Ultimate crash & burn on the roller coaster...no wait that was a car crash :/

Frontview: You can see the fracture/break just below the smallest screw.

Sideview of my bionic ankle

     Sigh!  Just a quick post to vent a bit.  So I was in a motor vehicle accident on June 30th.  Guy ran a red light, FHP didn't cite him, my van is deemed totaled, plus i have a broken left ankle that I had surgery for on July 8th, and my orthopedic surgeon says there might be tendon damage in my left knee but its too swollen for him to tell anything definitive. So I now have a bionic ankle (a plate & 5 screws to hold my left medial maleolus in place) which will be permanent unless it gives me problems. I haven't had a chance to upload van pictures yet, today is actually my first day back home.  I'm lucky that a broken ankle is all I have based on how my van looked.  I didn't even think I'd done more than get a sprain when it first happened, boy was I super wrong!  I've been staying with my super duper awesome boyfriend and his family since it happened....but more about the awesome boyfriend later...just need to get this stuff out to try and make myself feel a little better before I scare said boyfriend off from all my crying. :/

     I go back to my doctor on July 20th. What's really killing me is the helplessness I feel.  It's slowly breaking me down bit by bit, moment by moment.  This is the worst depression I've ever felt!  I wonder if my orthopedic doctor can give me an antidepressant prescription? Probably not though. I'm stressed about everything!  How am I going to be able to get a way of going as soon as possible?  How am I going to be able to take care of myself and my daughter?  Am I going to be walking by the time I have to go back to work?  I'm definitely thinking about using my EAP counseling for this.  I can do it over the phone, so I can cry my eyes out and not upset anybody.  This really hit me last night, really bad.  I just burst into tears over absolutely nothing...well part of it was feeling a little ignored i think and scared.  I have no family here at all.  If it wasn't for my boyfriend I would be pretty much alone because there's no one here who can put there lives on hold to see to my welfare on a daily basis.

     I was hoping being home & getting my daughter back (haven't seen her in 3 weeks due to all of this) would help snap me out of this, but so far it hasn't.  My failure to be able to go up & down the stairs that get me in & out of  my home is killing me.  I am literally terrified of these 5 stairs, well terrified of falling down said stairs & cracking my skull open or breaking other bones.  I managed to successfully go down them, but the up part is killing me.  The steps are high & I can't hop that high.  I don't know what I'm going to do!

     A part of me is also terrified of how this is going to affect my relationship.  I'm so scared that this is going to be too much and he's going to end it.  Or because he's such an awesome guy he will stay with me until I'm better then it will be over.  Depression makes me paranoid as well.  I think my mind is making something out of nothing.  I so wish this was just nightmare and that I could just wake up & everything would be back to the way it was.

It's been a long while...and boy has life been weird!

     Well, its been what seems like forever since I have posted anything on here.  I've done some stupid regrettable things and some pretty amazing things.  I am now the one in charge of my roller coaster ride of life!  I decide what's best for me, what will make me happy.  Throughout I keep in mind my beautiful little girl!  My life is her life & vice versa.

"Spiderweb Blankie"

     The stupid mistake I made was getting back with an ex-boyfriend for about a month.  What a waste of my time!  I have absolutely no idea what I was thinking!  Oh well, it ended, I wasn't hurt in the least.  Exes are seriously exes for a reason, in some cases for multiple reasons.

     I've been working on lots of different crochet projects as well.  I made my daughter a skirt & top.  I also made her a jacob's ladder round blanket, aka the "spiderweb blankie."  I've also made some amazing and cute hats!  Currently I am working on two blankets.  One is a black & tan granny square and the other is a 16 point star.  I get burnt out on one & swap to the other.  I'm about to start making hats to sell to people.

     As far as work goes, it falls into the "hate" category at the moment.  I do not like what they've got me teaching or the students that I'm teaching.  I used to love my job!  This year most days I HATE it and want to strangle someone or multiple someones!!!  I tried to get a dean to help me one day because I was at my wits end with one of my classes and the dean had the audacity to ask me what I wanted him to do!  I almost told him what he could do!  I'm so tired of all the B.S. in the K-12 education system here in Florida.  It's not going to get any better either!

     I'm currently looking into trying to do something else, namely looking into teaching at a college, where the students are there because they want to be, they're not total idiots, and I can kick them out of my class for pissing me off without fear of mommy & daddy bitching about it!  They don't pay me enough to put up with all the crap I do on a daily basis.  Some days I just want to go all Abby Scuito on them!  I know forensics so I could so get away with it!  But enough complaining.  Life goes on, and I will deal with it and overcome it!

       Enough playing catch up for one night!  Time for some House then bed!

Like Alice "Through the Looking Glass"

     So I was sitting here on the eve of my thirtieth birthday thinking about the past ten years of my life.  Yep I'm turning the big three-oh tomorrow!  Enjoying the last few hours of being in my twenties at home with my beautiful little girl!  I'm not sure how I feel about turning thirty yet.  Sometimes its like "Damn I'm getting old!"  Especially since the majority of my friends are younger than me.  Other times I think "It's just going to be another day, so who cares!"  Guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

     As I think about everything that's happened over the past decade, I realize just how much has happened, how much has changed, things I regret, and things I will always remember.  Everything that has happened has made me the person that I am today.  

     So as a recap of my life the past ten years for you and for myself,  since I'm hitting thirty tomorrow and my memory already sucks, I am writing this blog post. 

• 2001 - I left my teens and turned 20!   Lived in the dorms by myself for the first time.
• 2002 - I became engaged and became legal to drink.
• 2003 - I graduated suma cum laude from The University of Alabama with a Bachelor of Sciences degree in Biology, with a minor in Psychology.  I also got married & started graduate school at The University of Alabama.
• 2004 - Hmmm!  I became a graduate teaching assistant & started thinking about teaching as a career.
• 2005 -   I turned 24 & my car insurance dropped!  Started to really get burnt out on school.
• 2006 - I turned 25!  Traveled to California & presented at the Drosophila Convention.
• 2007 - A very eventful year for me.  I got pregnant.  I graduated from graduate school with my Master of Sciences degree in Cell & Molecular Biology.  I got my first career job.  I finally moved out of the state of Alabama.  I had my first baby, a beautiful little girl that is my world.
• 2008 - My daughter turned one!  Survived my first year of teaching!  Took on a second job to try & make ends meet.
• 2009 - Alabama won the BCS National Championship!  My marriage ended.  Went on happy pills and had some therapy.  First time ever truly living on my own.  My daughter turned two years old.  Got served divorce papers.
• 2010 - Finally started dating again, had two relationships. No longer needed happy pills.  Got my own place to live all by myself.  My daughter turned three.  I had my final divorce hearing and was officially divorced in December.
• 2011 - So far in this year the relationship I started the year with ended.  Financially I am in a hole because my ex-husband is refusing to pay back child support.  Plus the government took my tax refund & put it toward my student loans.  And I've started talking to a new guy who is super nice to me, just sucks that he doesn't live closer.  I mean the first guy to ever text me before 6am (because he knew I would be up)  just to tell me "Good morning beautiful! :)"

Whew!  Now I'm going to go enjoy the last few hours in my twenties curled up in bed & most likely falling asleep! :)  What a long strange trip its been!

"For every girl with a broken heart there's a perfect guy with a glue gun."

  I'm very hoping this quote that I stole from my Jew friend holds true for me in 2011.  New year, new me, and new boyfriend (but I did get to end the year with him so he still counts as new, we started going out December14, 2010).

     Fairly happy with things so far and how things are going in general.  However, some things irritate me & I'm finding that old wounds are hard and slow to heal.  I'm trying very hard not to let past experiences color my present or my future. I want to deal with it on my own before I bring it all out in the open, because that is just the way that I am.  I have to work on problems within myself first.  I'm one of those people that you have my trust until you break it or lose it.  I haven't yet decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

     I can't stand it when someone tells me that they are going to do something & then it never happens!  This was a big issue in the past and its happened twice so far.  I was told I will talk to you later tonight for the past two nights and it never happened and no excuses were provided.  However, excuses are another huge problem for me.  I heard the same set of excuses so many times in the past that its hard to know which ones are genuine and which ones are false.  It makes things really confusing especially after everything I've been through in the past two years.  Right now I'm a little irritated and disappointed, but I'm not going to let it get to me!  I'm going to play it by ear and keep an open mind.  Everyone is fighting some kind of battle, you just have to find the one that is worth fighting for and giving your heart to!

     I am determined to just be me and take everything in stride.  Go slowly and see where the road takes me.  If I get to see the boyfriend tomorrow like he told me today things should be okay.  It hasn't helped much that I have been super stressed out the last 2 days about not having enough money to make ends meet this month.  But today, thanks to my super awesome family that problem is solved!  I no longer have to worry that I will have money to buy food and milk for my daughter (I would gladly do without for her), gas to make it to work and home each week, and utilities.

     I just don't want this relationship to fail!  I'm tired of failures!  Especially ones that were not my fault in any way, shape or form.  However, past fails still haunt the back of my mind!  But life is life, so what are you gonna do?  I really hope I've found the perfect guy with the glue gun that can fix the brokenness, accept me for me, and take an eraser to the past!

Coffee! You can sleep when you're dead!

Dear Laundry,
I hate you!
Love, Me

     Today ended up being a really great day!  Got the house pretty much cleaned up and all the clean laundry put away.  That in itself was amazing because that is my least favorite chore to do EVER!!!  All that I have left to do is put the Christmas stuff back in the closets and clean the lil monster's room, but I'm saving that for later today. ;)  Didn't get around to much crocheting which made me kind of sad because it was my last day of Christmas vacation and I spent most of it cleaning.

     Took a nice relaxing bubble bath while my munchkin was being good.  She didn't want to take a nap today, which was very disappointing at first, but then I thought to myself, hey this means she'll go to bed early tonight! NOPE!!!  She stayed up till almost 10!  But it was all good, she really liked playing with the boyfriend and he's really good with her.  She drug him to her room to show off her new Dora bed tent that she's so proud of!  She made him soup, made him read her read-to me princess book on her IXL game (her "video" as she calls it lol), danced and sang the Candace's Busted Song from Phineas & Ferb, and of course jumped and crawled all over him.  All of this without a nap today!  It was insane!!!  Man if only I had a tenth of that energy!  She finally literally passed out on the couch near the end of Blade II lol.  So I got to have the boyfriend to myself for a little bit!  He gets the joy of figuring out where an exhaust leak is in the '68 in the morning so he left at about 11:30 because its going to be a long day for him.  Luckily he only lives less than 10 minutes from me, 5 when he drives lol!  Good thing he's a good driver huh?  How weird is it that we met online and that we live so close to one another?  I still can't get over it!

I so want this poster for my classroom!

   Alas, despite the business of my day I am now wide awake and unable to sleep!  Thankfully I don't have to be at work until 8 and then its breakfast and a boring meeting, so I can zone out until my coffee kicks in.  The saying on this image is going to be my motto for the day ahead!  Its going to take a lot of coffee to keep me going on the first day back at work after Christmas vacation!  One of my nurse or doctor friends or Mr. Chemistry Wiz BWM seriously needs to develop & perfect the coffee IV delivery system.  Maybe something like an insulin pump would work! :)  Can you tell that I need some sleep?  I knew it was going to happen as soon as the boyfriend left too!  I was so sleepy and comfortable curled up with him on the couch watching the movie, then I was wide awake, and I'm still wide awake!  As evidenced by this blog and the apparent rambling nature of it!  And now Blade Trinity is off and I am still nowhere near sleepy!  I blame the boyfriend!  It's all his fault! ;)

     *Sigh!*  I think I'm going to go curl up in bed and crochet for a bit.  I've started an afghan for my grandmother with the yarn I bought at the after Christmas sale at Michael's.  (Another Christmas gift that I bought for myself lol!)  I have a serious love/hate relationship with that store!  I love all the stuff, but I hate how much I spend when I go in there!  I spent like $55 on yarn and got 18 rolls of the really good soft yarn that usually sells for $6 a roll.  The afghan is the biggest project I've undertaken so far and its in a ripple striped  pattern that I have modified a bit from the original pattern.  Now that I am really happy again I will probably try to include my crochet stuff in blog posts on here!  Before my blog was mainly a way for me to vent, but now I have found happiness! <3

     

Where did the time go?

     So it has been awhile since I have posted anything, but it seems like it was just yesterday.  The holiday season and life in general have been keeping me busy since Thanksgiving.  Things have changed since my last post.  I am now legally divorced, even though in my heart I have been divorced since August of 2009.  I am now definitely in a relationship with a wonderful guy & things are going really good for us!  He scored friend approval with my friends and I have scored friend approval with 2 of his friends.  I am happy that I got to end 2010 and start 2011 with him.

     Christmas was hard this year because it was the first Christmas I'd ever spent completely alone.  My daughter was at her dad's, the boyfriend was on a cruise with his family, and I had no money to go home to Alabama.  I stayed home, cleaned up, crocheted, and pampered myself.  But I missed my family like crazy!  My girl and I did our Christmas early this year and boy did she rake in the presents!  The boyfriend gave me an awesome zippo for Christmas...I didn't think that we would be doing presents because we had just started dating and he was going to be gone for Christmas, so needless to say there was a mad last minute dash to find a present! But Shhhh! Don't tell anyone! ;)  My mother-in-law, Fay (yes I will always claim her as a second mom because she is awesome and has been there for me through thick and thin), gave me money for Christmas so that I wouldn't do without.  So on Christmas Eve I went shopping for myself!  I got some new tennis shoes (my old ones literally fell apart, I really wanted new boots though), a new shirt, a new dress, a new red nightgown, and some Bath & Body Works stuff.

     If you haven't figured it out by now, I am a very happy girl!  That is what I want my 2011 to be filled with, happiness!

     

Guess I'm never gonna learn...oh wait! Now I have!

     I've come to the conclusion that I'm never honestly 100% going to learn my lesson where wba is concerned.  I've held my tongue about being pushed away.  I put on my indifferent face when I got to see him for about 10 minutes last Saturday.  I even took my sweet time heading to the store in hopes that he would already be gone, but that didn't happen.  I almost died from shock that I actually heard from him outside of work that day!  So he said things were really settling down & that he would call me this week.  I told him I was going out of town for the week, leaving on Monday.  When asked when I would be back I told him Saturday.  He said for me to call him when I got back.  I in turn told him he could text me if he wanted.

     We texted pretty much the entire time I was out of town...even got to hear from him outside of work!!!  SHOCKER!!!!  Then it turns out that things had gotten better to the point that he felt comfortable letting his ex take their son to Alabama for Thanksgiving...leaving on Wednesday and coming back on Sunday.  He asked me at least 2 times during the week when I would be back.  Told me how much he missed me and that he was lonely because his son was gone and he had no real family to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with.  Stupid me felt so bad for him and assumed that I would get to see him when I got back home on Saturday.  Even toyed with the idea of going ahead and leaving on Friday instead just so I could see him.  Good thing I didn't even though my plans for Friday fell through and I could have went ahead and headed back home.  Here it is, Saturday night about 9 pm...I got home at about 5 pm and he was the first one that I texted to say that I was back.  I got one reply and that was it!  I mean WTF!!!!!!!  Seriously?  I'm home and now fucking nothing????  I'm back in town and apparently now I'm not good enough to have anything to do with?  And he made plans to go on the lake with a friend tomorrow...one that he went out with Wednesday.  Guess I know where I rank now!  Guess going wakeboarding is more important!  I know you haven't been in forever, but you haven's seen me in forever either.  Thanks so much for that by the way!  So I hurried home for nothing!  Came home to nothing because I'm fucking stupid!  I could have slept in, spent more time with my family, etc.  But NOOOOOO!  I got up at 5:30 am so I could get everything loaded and myself ready to go before my daughter woke up.  I even woke her up before she was ready to get up just so I could get back and spend time with him.

     I kind of wish I would have listened to my cousin and done what she told me to do while I was in Andalusia!  But at that point I thought things were going to be better and things were going better.

     Also, something odd on his Facebook...unless I'm crazy all the status updates that he posted this week have been removed along with their comments.  Now his status is just ".".  I got nothing!  So whatever!  (Actually, I just went and looked and pretty much all status updates since the drama started have been deleted!  makes no sense, but whatever!)

     Now hope is dead, everything is dead!  I can't do this anymore!  I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter!  It's not worth the hurt anymore, and there's been a LOT of hurt on my end since we met.  I'm just fucking done! I hope one of my friends is smart enough to beat my ass if I give this person another chance.