Wish that I could pretend that none of this is real

     So this song very much describes how I'm feeling at the moment.  I love how no matter what emotion you are feeling you can always find a song somewhere that describes how you are feeling, no matter what your taste in music might be.  Personally, I'm a rocker chick through and through, with the occasional rap/pop songs thrown in every now and again.

     I just want to be able to get through everything, for me and my daughter's sakes.  What really, really sucks is that my daughter got attached, so now I have to figure out how to explain it to her.  This should be fun!  (Just to clarify, that statement was dripping with sarcasm!)  I don't know what to tell her because I myself have no freaking clue!  I've got nothing!  Absolutely nothing!  That is what sucks the most...the not knowing part.  Oh, and the not knowing what to do part, the trying to figure things out part!  Oh hell!  It all fucking sucks!  Who am I kidding!!!  I just wish I didn't care as much as I do, it would be so much easier!  The last time this happened it maybe took me about 2 weeks or so to get over it, but I wasn't too attached at that point.  This time its going to be much harder and take a lot longer.  I just wish I could fast forward or sleep through it all or something.

     I'm tired of feeling bad!  Physically and emotionally.  Been feeling this way for the past few weeks as things started to go into suck/fail/epic fail mode.  Seriously thinking about going back to see my therapist.  I'm going to get the number for the EAP tomorrow and give them a call when I get home.  If I'm not mistaken I get 6 free sessions every year.  They don't want us teachers to go all psycho on everybody I guess.  I have been trying to keep myself busy and my mind occupied as best I can since last Friday.  The weekend was busy with my daughter and Halloween stuff, but now that the work week has started and my daughter isn't here, keeping my mind busy has become harder.  I've been breaking up the cleaning I have to do into chunks to do throughout the week.  I bought a book to read as well.  Not in a crochet mood lately because the project I have in progress (a scarf for my daughter) I last worked on there on that last epic night, so all I would think about would be that.  This sucks!  I could start another project, but I don't know what to work on!  The project I planned to start after the scarf is kind of pointless now! :(  Well, it will get better, eventually I guess.

"Walk Away"
Five Finger Death Punch
I'm sorry for the demon I've become
You should be sorry for the angel you are not
I apologize for the cruel things that I did
But I don't regret one single word I said

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please release me from this hell
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real

Could you forgive me if I told you that I cared?
Would you be sorry if I swore that I'd be there?
Please forgive me for laughing when you fall
I'm so sorry but I never cared at all

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please release me from this hell
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is

Just walk away make it easy on us both
Just walk away there was never any hope
Just walk away you already know the deal
Just walk away, pretend that none of this was, none of this was real 

I think I am all out of pieces!

     "All changes are more or less tinged with melancholy, for what we are leaving behind is part of ourselves." - Amelia Barr

     I really think I have absolutely nothing left that I could leave behind anymore!  Seriously the puzzle box is all empty!

     The puzzle was damaged, but I was able to fix it and put it back together again.  Took awhile and some help to find all the pieces, but I did it.  Took myself back out into the world, intact, whole, and confident.  It was a rough and rocky start, but then things began to look up!  Or at least for awhile they did!

     Then all of a sudden BAM!!!  There goes the puzzle again!  Pieces once again missing from the picture.  But I was able to pick up the pieces again and get it pretty much back together, ready to try to move on again.  

     Then on August 13th, after a really bad day, the person who last broke the puzzle comes back into the picture and I let them back in.  Things start up again and were going really well.  We finally had our first official date and then even a second one!  Then things started happening, not to me, but to him.  Now, he has once again gone M.I.A. because of it.  I don't understand why he felt the need to shut me out!  TWICE!  I mean if you can't handle someone when they're at their lowest/worst, why should you get their best?  I thought that he would get through it and that he would let me help him.  He was talking to me about it this time.  But I guess I was wrong.  Sitting here now I realize that I never truly knew where we stood with one another.  I thought that things were good between us and would only get better in time.  But time was one of the issues the last few weeks.  I wanted more time with him than I was getting. due to various issues on his part.

     Well, time to try and pick up the pieces again I guess!  Slowly but surely, one by one, piece by piece.  I just wish it didn't hurt so much!

You want hope? Sorry we're pretty much out of that at the moment, please check with us tomorrow

     The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines hope as the following: "to cherish a desire with anticipation."   I am almost 100% sure that I have used up my lifetime supply of hope in the past couple of weeks.  Nothing has been worse lately than to hope for something and then not to get it.  Especially if it is something as simple as hearing from someone when they told you they would.  Is is really that hard to follow through with something as simple as "I"ll text you tomorrow ok"  or "I'll call you later."  Honestly, it takes what 30 seconds or so to send a text to someone?  Even less if you use that handy reply feature.

     So yes, as the image above says, "Hope may not be warranted at this point."  I'm so tired of hoping for things and not getting them!  Then getting either angry, upset, disappointed, or hurt over it.  I'm trying to train myself not to hope for or expect anything, especially where wba is concerned.  Because I just get end up getting disappointed, angry, upset, and hurt when what I was hoping to happen didn't happen. I'm doing much better at it!  I already decided that this week I would not be seeing him & so far that hasn't disappointed me.  Amazing huh?  Also, when I was told I'd hear from him the next day and I didn't hear anything until the end of the day after, I wasn't really mad.  I knew it would happen that way, I expected it because its happened several times before. Plus if you add in all the other broken promises, you would completely understand my anti-hope stance.  Also lets throw in the fact that knittinglitemom has kind of been in fail mode today... disappointed on that front, both for myself and my daughter, so maybe I need to stop hoping there too.  The only people who haven't failed on me lately are my mom and my sissy, who is the sister of my heart.  I miss my family so much right now!  I wish I had them here with me or that they were closer so I could just take off to visit whenever I wanted.  As it is right now, they are about a 7 hour drive away and I haven't seen them since...man I can't remember when the last time I saw them was!  That's pretty bad!.

     I just wish that wba would let me in more.  I understand the need to be alone and get yourself straight, I really do, especially when the problems involve your children and the struggles and turmoil of divorce.  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!  But somethings you just don't need to be alone for.  Somethings you just need someone there, someone real to actually listen to you, really listen & not judge.  But that's just my opinion!

     I know that therapy really helped me out when I was going through hard times.  I highly recommend it to anyone experiencing difficult times.  Sometimes you need that neutral party perspective to get yourself right again.

     I don't know how this story is going to end.  I have no idea what to do at the moment other than just sit back and wait and see what happens.  But I am done making the first effort!  That is all in his court now!  Like I said I am done hoping!  These past almost 3 weeks has taught me that...since I've only seen him 3 times during that time, 4 times if you want to count the 15 minutes from Saturday, which I don't because I was angry at the time and when I started to calm down shit started to go down which brought an end to the evening that I just knew was going to be another epic fail.

Somebody check my brain...I think it's going to explode!

    So the epic failure that has been this week continues!  What really sucks is that I thought that it would be a really good one, but once again I was wrong and was really let down.  I really thought yesterday or today would be a turning point, but I was wrong once again.  You'd think that by now I would have learned my lesson, but I guess I was just too stupid and hopeful!  I should really fix this hope thing so I'll stop getting hurt when I don't get what I hope for.

     Now the entire thing has me pissed as hell and has given me a huge headache!  I really wish the 3 Motrin I popped earlier would kick in & make it go away!  I hate having headaches, especially those cause by stress and emotions.

     It's times like this that I really wish I had my daughter with me.  I could really use one of her hugs and a cuddle from my angel right about now along with an "I love you mommy, it's okay."  Not having her with me right now is making me cry.

     I really wish I had money to go out to a movie or something tonight instead of spending the remainder of the night at home by myself doing laundry and blogging.  Not even the piece of cake with chocolate frosting I had a little while ago is making me feel better.

     The only 2 good things to come out of this week from hell has been 1.) today I only had to work from 8am to 12pm but got paid for a full day and 2.) I discovered that I have lost another 10 pounds today.  Which creates another problem...my clothes are all too loose on me now and I have no money to buy anymore as I am barely able to make ends meet as it is.  Plus my growing girl needs clothes more than I do as she is growing bigger and doesn't have many clothes that fit.  I can do without...I've done it before I can do it again!

     I was pretty okay with yesterday until today after I got home...then everything went to shit!  I got extremely pissed off over something that I found out happened last night.  It just seemed like things were being kept from me, that I was being lied to,  and that I just wasn't worth spending time with anymore.  I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about the events of last night...are they true or are they not?  Plus add in the fact that this is the 3rd time that this almost exact same situation has occurred plus the fact that I haven't seen someone in like a week, nor spent any quality time with this someone in almost 2 weeks and you get one really pissed off bitch!

     Plus I'd been thinking since before the fail that was today occurred that I would finally get to see this someone today because it was to be an early day for us both.  Once again I was fucking wrong!  Go figure a promise was made to a friend a few days ago that just couldn't be broken.  But yet its fine to make promises to me, even simple ones such as I'll call you tomorrow or when I get home, then break them!  But yet this promise to watch a baseball game just couldn't be broken!  Wish I could get a fucking promise 3 days in advance that actually had follow through on it!  I'd have to say that 75% of the promises that have been made to me by a certain someone have failed, usually in the epic fashion.  

     I've been promised today that we'll do something tomorrow, but I'm not putting much hope into it.  I'm tired of being hurt by failed promises!  Tired of hoping and then being disappointed.  My girlfriends all say I should just say fuck it all...that this kind of drama/epic failure is happening too early in our relationship so I should just get out now.  *sigh!*  I think I'm just going to try and sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow, but I doubt sleep will come any time soon...emotions still running high and in all directions

Up, down, up, down, up, down.....I think I'm gonna puke!

I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK!

    I am so tired of feeling like I'm on a roller coaster!  I was down for so long in my life that when I got back up I had no idea what to do with myself.  Happiness was a foreign thing to me at that point because it had been absent from my life for so long.

     I spent most of my teenage years very depressed.  Didn't talk about it with anyone, just dealt with it by avoiding it or doing stupid shit.  I thought I had found true happiness toward the end of my teenage years, so up, went the roller coaster, slowly but surely. I was happy for a few years, no sadness or pain, even though I had ripped my family apart and lost some friends in the process.  But, it was my decision, everything has been my decision.  I am who I am because of each and every choice that I made in my life.  If I had to do it all over again knowing what it would cost me in the future, I would do everything the same because I have a beautiful, amazing little girl who is the light of my life out of it.

  I finally realized that I couldn't deal with my problems alone.  The roller coaster was as far down as it could go!  It was very much out of order at that point.  So I got help so that I could become a better person for myself and for my daughter.  I was never really one to talk about anything to anyone.  Always the quiet, shy, reserved person.  But I discovered that I had some truly amazing friends and family members in my life who wanted to be there for me, would listen to me bitch and complain, hold me when I cried, and just loved me for me.  Three months of therapy and a lot of antidepressants also helped as well.  For awhile things were very, very bad indeed!  Then I had an epiphany you could say.  I realized how much better off I was and I found my long lost self esteem (which had been missing since elementary school, despite the reward posters for its safe and quick return).

   So the roller coaster started creeping up the tracks again.  I was happy with myself and my life.  I finally got to a point where I was able to slowly take myself off the antidepressants, which took awhile since I was on the maximum dose.  I've been off of them for a few months now, and most of the time the roller coaster is up, working perfectly.  But sometimes, shit just happens and the roller coaster goes into a really bad downward spiral that I can't seem to stop.

     Here lately that roller coaster has just been going absolutely crazy!  Up, up up, down, down, down, down, down.  Pass, fail, epic fail, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass EPIC FUCKING FAIL...what the fuck????  Its driving me crazy and I don't know what to do about it at this point.  Should I stay on the ride and see where it goes like most of myself is saying?  Or should I just say fuck it and slam on the breaks and get the hell off?  I just don't know.  I guess for now I will stay on the ride and see where it takes me...if I can ever get it going again that is!  Very close to epic fucking fail at this point, but hoping it will get better.  Guess I got really spoiled by the awesome time I had there for over a week.  For now, just gonna let it ride!