Guess I'm never gonna learn...oh wait! Now I have!

     I've come to the conclusion that I'm never honestly 100% going to learn my lesson where wba is concerned.  I've held my tongue about being pushed away.  I put on my indifferent face when I got to see him for about 10 minutes last Saturday.  I even took my sweet time heading to the store in hopes that he would already be gone, but that didn't happen.  I almost died from shock that I actually heard from him outside of work that day!  So he said things were really settling down & that he would call me this week.  I told him I was going out of town for the week, leaving on Monday.  When asked when I would be back I told him Saturday.  He said for me to call him when I got back.  I in turn told him he could text me if he wanted.

     We texted pretty much the entire time I was out of town...even got to hear from him outside of work!!!  SHOCKER!!!!  Then it turns out that things had gotten better to the point that he felt comfortable letting his ex take their son to Alabama for Thanksgiving...leaving on Wednesday and coming back on Sunday.  He asked me at least 2 times during the week when I would be back.  Told me how much he missed me and that he was lonely because his son was gone and he had no real family to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with.  Stupid me felt so bad for him and assumed that I would get to see him when I got back home on Saturday.  Even toyed with the idea of going ahead and leaving on Friday instead just so I could see him.  Good thing I didn't even though my plans for Friday fell through and I could have went ahead and headed back home.  Here it is, Saturday night about 9 pm...I got home at about 5 pm and he was the first one that I texted to say that I was back.  I got one reply and that was it!  I mean WTF!!!!!!!  Seriously?  I'm home and now fucking nothing????  I'm back in town and apparently now I'm not good enough to have anything to do with?  And he made plans to go on the lake with a friend tomorrow...one that he went out with Wednesday.  Guess I know where I rank now!  Guess going wakeboarding is more important!  I know you haven't been in forever, but you haven's seen me in forever either.  Thanks so much for that by the way!  So I hurried home for nothing!  Came home to nothing because I'm fucking stupid!  I could have slept in, spent more time with my family, etc.  But NOOOOOO!  I got up at 5:30 am so I could get everything loaded and myself ready to go before my daughter woke up.  I even woke her up before she was ready to get up just so I could get back and spend time with him.

     I kind of wish I would have listened to my cousin and done what she told me to do while I was in Andalusia!  But at that point I thought things were going to be better and things were going better.

     Also, something odd on his Facebook...unless I'm crazy all the status updates that he posted this week have been removed along with their comments.  Now his status is just ".".  I got nothing!  So whatever!  (Actually, I just went and looked and pretty much all status updates since the drama started have been deleted!  makes no sense, but whatever!)

     Now hope is dead, everything is dead!  I can't do this anymore!  I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter!  It's not worth the hurt anymore, and there's been a LOT of hurt on my end since we met.  I'm just fucking done! I hope one of my friends is smart enough to beat my ass if I give this person another chance. 

You want hope? Sorry we're pretty much out of that at the moment, please check with us tomorrow

     The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines hope as the following: "to cherish a desire with anticipation."   I am almost 100% sure that I have used up my lifetime supply of hope in the past couple of weeks.  Nothing has been worse lately than to hope for something and then not to get it.  Especially if it is something as simple as hearing from someone when they told you they would.  Is is really that hard to follow through with something as simple as "I"ll text you tomorrow ok"  or "I'll call you later."  Honestly, it takes what 30 seconds or so to send a text to someone?  Even less if you use that handy reply feature.

     So yes, as the image above says, "Hope may not be warranted at this point."  I'm so tired of hoping for things and not getting them!  Then getting either angry, upset, disappointed, or hurt over it.  I'm trying to train myself not to hope for or expect anything, especially where wba is concerned.  Because I just get end up getting disappointed, angry, upset, and hurt when what I was hoping to happen didn't happen. I'm doing much better at it!  I already decided that this week I would not be seeing him & so far that hasn't disappointed me.  Amazing huh?  Also, when I was told I'd hear from him the next day and I didn't hear anything until the end of the day after, I wasn't really mad.  I knew it would happen that way, I expected it because its happened several times before. Plus if you add in all the other broken promises, you would completely understand my anti-hope stance.  Also lets throw in the fact that knittinglitemom has kind of been in fail mode today... disappointed on that front, both for myself and my daughter, so maybe I need to stop hoping there too.  The only people who haven't failed on me lately are my mom and my sissy, who is the sister of my heart.  I miss my family so much right now!  I wish I had them here with me or that they were closer so I could just take off to visit whenever I wanted.  As it is right now, they are about a 7 hour drive away and I haven't seen them since...man I can't remember when the last time I saw them was!  That's pretty bad!.

     I just wish that wba would let me in more.  I understand the need to be alone and get yourself straight, I really do, especially when the problems involve your children and the struggles and turmoil of divorce.  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!  But somethings you just don't need to be alone for.  Somethings you just need someone there, someone real to actually listen to you, really listen & not judge.  But that's just my opinion!

     I know that therapy really helped me out when I was going through hard times.  I highly recommend it to anyone experiencing difficult times.  Sometimes you need that neutral party perspective to get yourself right again.

     I don't know how this story is going to end.  I have no idea what to do at the moment other than just sit back and wait and see what happens.  But I am done making the first effort!  That is all in his court now!  Like I said I am done hoping!  These past almost 3 weeks has taught me that...since I've only seen him 3 times during that time, 4 times if you want to count the 15 minutes from Saturday, which I don't because I was angry at the time and when I started to calm down shit started to go down which brought an end to the evening that I just knew was going to be another epic fail.