I'm sorry but the number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please hang up and don't try your call again!

     "Girls are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you're disconnected. Guys are like buses. If you miss that one, another will be along soon."~S.M.

     How true this statement is!  And how sad also.  I'm very much trying to be as "disconnected" as possible.  I can't be a complete bitch and ignore someone, so responding with a short simple "I know" was all I did.  It's more than what this person deserved!  Nothing for like a week and then something.  WHATEVER!  I probably would not have responded at all had this person not just had surgery, not a major surgery mind you, but a surgery all the same.

     What amazes me is that since I have decided that I am done, other "buses" are trying to come along.  But I don't think that these "buses" want anything serious or potentially long term like I do, like I thought I was working on with wba.  They seem to only want to make a quick bus stop and I am not having any of that!  I did the rebound guy thing and was ready to try and find something real, something special.  I thought I had it, but I guess I was just a bus stop after all!

     I can't wait until my daughter comes home tomorrow night!  Two more sleeps until I get to get the hell out of here and see my family!

Some very sad, hard life lessons

  As of late my friends have provided me with a wealth of inspiration to write about, which is a good thing because writing helps me to put everything in perspective.  I am officially done with the relationship that I thought I was in...but that's just my opinion.  I haven't heard from the other party since last Friday and that was just a one word response to my text that I was off work while he was not.  There was a Facebook status update on Monday, but nothing sent my way.  So yeah, whatever, I'm done!  Goodbye!

    

     The following are lessons posted by friends that very much apply to me at the moment:

     1.  "Men are like commercials: sounds good but you know its false advertisement." ~CRH.  Yeah, this one sounded really good.  Single dad, loves his son, active, same kind of music & movies, good job, great to talk to spend time with, etc.  But no follow through on promises, pushing me away when things get complicated...false advertisement!  Relationships have to have these things in addition to much more to make them work and be successful and maybe develop into something more.

     2.  "If you hear words saying one thing, but the actions show another, chances are you're being lied to." ~ JM.  How very true this statement is right now!  The words said "I still want to see you"  but the actions, which have been NOTHING nullify the words that were said.  Plus add to this the fact that when he started talking to me after the drama & the week of nothingness it was only while he was at work...never when he was at home.  Can you say suspicious & weird?  Makes me think that he was not staying at his place, but elsewhere or somewhere where he couldn't talk to me for some reason.  Oh well!  His loss!  I deserve better and will have better as soon as I find it or it finds me.  What really sucks is that I really thought that he was my better...guess I still have a lot to learn!  Damn me for getting into a relationship & marriage early in life!  Had I dated more I doubt I would be having such problems!

     3.  "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."~ JM.  I thought for a while that I was on my way to falling in love.  There was a lot of like admitted to on both sides.  Then shit just started happening until everything just kind of fell apart.  No fault on my end on this one! Its all him!  I tried to keep communication open!  But I was ignored and let go apparently.  Not sure how I feel about this lesson on life yet...Can one like until it hurts?  Ready for the hurt to be over!  I'm keeping busy as much as possible so that I don't have time to think about it  But late at night before bed my mind wanders and the sadness hits, sometimes tears fall for what might have been or what I thought was there.  Things will get better for me, just probably not as soon as I would like.

     Thankfully, next week is vacation time for me and Alyssa and I are going to see family and friends in Alabama.  I miss them terribly!  Plus getting out of Lakeland should help things!  So will going out drinking with my Alabama girls! :)  I can't wait!!!  I so need it!!!!

Do not try this at home kids!

     "Whenever we were little girls and our mama's read us fairytales after they said and they lived happily ever after they should have said ps. do not try this at home as this is a lie." Stolen from J.M. :) Thanks for giving me inspiration today!

     I so think fairytales should come with warning labels stating that they will never happen to the average everyday person. Happily ever afters don't exist today. All the knights in shining armor are just retards in tinfoil, or at least in my experience they are.  Which is a very sad thing to have to realize at this point in my life.

     I thought I had the happily ever after, but then realized it was all a lie and that prince charming was actually a wolf in sheep's clothing if you will.

     Then I thought I had found a true knight in shining armor to save me, but I've come to the conclusion that I was wrong again.  I was so happy with life, with myself.  Then things just fell apart on his end.  I tried my best to be there, but he wouldn't let me in.  Too many things being left unsaid.  Too many secrets.  Too much shutting me out!  You can't build a successful relationship with those issues in the equation.  I just wish I had some form of closure so that I can move on with my single existence.  I thought maybe I would hear something today, especially since he was at the doctor's office this morning per Facebook  I'm assuming that today was for the labs that he needs for his wrist surgery on Friday, but I don't know!  About to the point of not caring, but its hard.

     So ladies if you're trapped in the tower, chop off your hair, form a rope, and save your own ass because no man will!

I'm thinking lets get a shovel!

     "Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy racing back and forth between partners. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death." ~ Colette Dowling.

     So after about a week and a half of absolutely NOTHING I finally hear something back.  He now has full custody of his son due to getting DCF involved in the situation.  He had also cut his phone off because his ex was harassing him 24/7.  He finally got it cut back on & started talking to me again telling me in short what had been going on.  When asked why he cut me off he replied that he didn't want me to get drug into everything, the no phone for awhile issue,  & that he is having to tread very carefully due to DCF's involvement in the situation.  Understandable to a point, but to not let me know what was happening?  Bullshit in my opinion!

     So at the moment I consider myself to be a single individual because I had no idea where we stood before the latest drama nor do I have any idea where we stand now.  Plus he's keeping something from me...I feel it. Some vital piece of this confusing puzzle that I am missing, but need to complete the picture.   That which is bothering me is the fact that I do not hear anything from him outside of his being at work.  It makes no sense to me.  I do not get it.  What is the problem with texting me after work?  I do not get it!  He says things are getting better and that he is working on being able to see me, but I don't believe it.  I can't believe it because I do not want to be hurt again.  I have my suspicions, which are probably colored by recent events in others lives.  But they are just that...suspicions.  I had planned to ask him about it this past Friday, but I only got one brief reply from him that day and then nothing afterwards, nor anything this weekend.  But I expected the lack of communication over the weekend based on the happenings of the week.  I plan to get it figured out this week, that is if I hear from him.  I'm absolutely done trying!  I'm tired of trying/asking and just getting hurt, disappointed.

Still trying to get it all figured out...anybody want to give me a clue?

     Still nothing!  Absolutely nothing!  And to top it all off I have nothing and am at a complete loss as to what to do about it.  I had someone ask me what was going on and I had no idea what to tell them because I absolutely don't know!

     I don't know what to do because I have no idea what's going on anymore!  It's ridiculous!  How can one person just drop off the face of the Earth, cutting off all communication with the person they had been dating?  It make no sense!  

     I figured that things would eventually return to some sort of normalcy after some time had passed and he was able to get everything together, especially where his son was concerned.  I did not foresee being cut out of the equation...AGAIN!!!

     The last time something bad happened that really messed with his head, I was pushed away.  We'd only known each other for about a month at that time, so it was kind of understandable.  Messed up but understandable.  But for it to happen again about 2 months after we started seeing each other again?  That is just seriously messed up!  I don't get it!  If you are in a relationship with someone and you want to make it work, you don't push them away when you are having a bad/hard time.  Just because you don't want them to see you in that kind of mood is no excuse!  If you can't handle someone at their worst or lowest, then who are you to deserve their best?

     Now I will admit that sometimes when I get really down or depressed I need some time alone.  But that does not last more than a day or two usually.  It is better to talk to people, namely those who are important to you, i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend.  To let them be there for you when you need it the most  I have done this already, isolated for a bit over the situation and then talked to the BFF's.  They have listened and given their opinions, but I still have nothing!  I know what I SHOULD do, but is it what I really want to do?  I got NOTHING!  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!  And it's tearing me apart that I can't figure this out!

I feel like I'm losing my mind

     So now its Thursday.  It's been a week.  Still having issues, still can't get the brain to shut down when I am not busy.  I'm starting to run out of things to do!  My house is fixing to be entirely clean!  I just have to do a little cleaning/straightening in my room, then put away some DVDs, and its done.  It's rainy weather here so I can't do any kind of yard work, although there is not much that needs to be done there.  I think I am going to go take a nice hot relaxing bubble bath when I am done here.

     I will probably chill out and read a book followed by some Gilmore Girls.  I've started re-watching the series to keep me occupied sometimes.  Currently on the second season. :)  I forgot how much I liked this show.  Facebook has also been a pretty good distraction, most of the time anyway.  Yesterday I finally closed out the open chat window I've had open since mid-August.  

     Having awesome friends both local and far away has also helped.  Their care & support has been very key to me not going completely psycho! Plus I had fun last night with knittinglitemom and Bamfio.  Drinks and crazy Facebook comments!  Finally starting to feel like I can get through this, whatever this is.  I was even able to start my crocheting again.  Plus I think I'm going to start a baby blanket for one of my students that is about to become a father.

     So today, my mood is best suited by the song "World So Cold" by Three Days Grace.  Missing my girl!

"World So Cold"

Three Days Grace

I never thought

I'd feel this

Guilty and I'm

Broken down inside

Living with myself

Nothing but lies

I always thought

I'd make it

But never knew I'd

Let it get so bad

Living with myself

Is all I have

I feel numb

I can't come to life

I feel like

I'm frozen in time

Living in a

World so cold

Wasted away

Living in a shell

With no soul

Since you've gone away

Living in a world so cold

Counting the days

Since you've gone away

Do you ever feel me

Do you ever look

Deep down inside

Staring at yourself

Paralyzed

I feel numb

I can't come to life

I feel like

I'm frozen in time

Living in a

World so cold

Wasted away

Living in a shell

With no soul

Since you've gone away

Living in a world so cold

Counting the days

Since you've gone away

You've gone away from me

I'm too young

To lose my soul

I'm too young

To feel this old

So long

I'm left behind

I feel like

I'm losing my mind

Do you ever feel me

Do you ever look

Deep down inside

Staring at your life

Paralyzed

Living in a

World so cold

Wasted away

Living in a shell

With no soul

Since you've gone away

Living in a world so cold

Counting the days

Since you've gone away

I'm too young [x2]

Wish that I could pretend that none of this is real

     So this song very much describes how I'm feeling at the moment.  I love how no matter what emotion you are feeling you can always find a song somewhere that describes how you are feeling, no matter what your taste in music might be.  Personally, I'm a rocker chick through and through, with the occasional rap/pop songs thrown in every now and again.

     I just want to be able to get through everything, for me and my daughter's sakes.  What really, really sucks is that my daughter got attached, so now I have to figure out how to explain it to her.  This should be fun!  (Just to clarify, that statement was dripping with sarcasm!)  I don't know what to tell her because I myself have no freaking clue!  I've got nothing!  Absolutely nothing!  That is what sucks the most...the not knowing part.  Oh, and the not knowing what to do part, the trying to figure things out part!  Oh hell!  It all fucking sucks!  Who am I kidding!!!  I just wish I didn't care as much as I do, it would be so much easier!  The last time this happened it maybe took me about 2 weeks or so to get over it, but I wasn't too attached at that point.  This time its going to be much harder and take a lot longer.  I just wish I could fast forward or sleep through it all or something.

     I'm tired of feeling bad!  Physically and emotionally.  Been feeling this way for the past few weeks as things started to go into suck/fail/epic fail mode.  Seriously thinking about going back to see my therapist.  I'm going to get the number for the EAP tomorrow and give them a call when I get home.  If I'm not mistaken I get 6 free sessions every year.  They don't want us teachers to go all psycho on everybody I guess.  I have been trying to keep myself busy and my mind occupied as best I can since last Friday.  The weekend was busy with my daughter and Halloween stuff, but now that the work week has started and my daughter isn't here, keeping my mind busy has become harder.  I've been breaking up the cleaning I have to do into chunks to do throughout the week.  I bought a book to read as well.  Not in a crochet mood lately because the project I have in progress (a scarf for my daughter) I last worked on there on that last epic night, so all I would think about would be that.  This sucks!  I could start another project, but I don't know what to work on!  The project I planned to start after the scarf is kind of pointless now! :(  Well, it will get better, eventually I guess.

"Walk Away"
Five Finger Death Punch
I'm sorry for the demon I've become
You should be sorry for the angel you are not
I apologize for the cruel things that I did
But I don't regret one single word I said

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please release me from this hell
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real

Could you forgive me if I told you that I cared?
Would you be sorry if I swore that I'd be there?
Please forgive me for laughing when you fall
I'm so sorry but I never cared at all

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please release me from this hell
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is

Just walk away make it easy on us both
Just walk away there was never any hope
Just walk away you already know the deal
Just walk away, pretend that none of this was, none of this was real