Up, down, up, down, up, down.....I think I'm gonna puke!

I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK!

    I am so tired of feeling like I'm on a roller coaster!  I was down for so long in my life that when I got back up I had no idea what to do with myself.  Happiness was a foreign thing to me at that point because it had been absent from my life for so long.

     I spent most of my teenage years very depressed.  Didn't talk about it with anyone, just dealt with it by avoiding it or doing stupid shit.  I thought I had found true happiness toward the end of my teenage years, so up, went the roller coaster, slowly but surely. I was happy for a few years, no sadness or pain, even though I had ripped my family apart and lost some friends in the process.  But, it was my decision, everything has been my decision.  I am who I am because of each and every choice that I made in my life.  If I had to do it all over again knowing what it would cost me in the future, I would do everything the same because I have a beautiful, amazing little girl who is the light of my life out of it.

  I finally realized that I couldn't deal with my problems alone.  The roller coaster was as far down as it could go!  It was very much out of order at that point.  So I got help so that I could become a better person for myself and for my daughter.  I was never really one to talk about anything to anyone.  Always the quiet, shy, reserved person.  But I discovered that I had some truly amazing friends and family members in my life who wanted to be there for me, would listen to me bitch and complain, hold me when I cried, and just loved me for me.  Three months of therapy and a lot of antidepressants also helped as well.  For awhile things were very, very bad indeed!  Then I had an epiphany you could say.  I realized how much better off I was and I found my long lost self esteem (which had been missing since elementary school, despite the reward posters for its safe and quick return).

   So the roller coaster started creeping up the tracks again.  I was happy with myself and my life.  I finally got to a point where I was able to slowly take myself off the antidepressants, which took awhile since I was on the maximum dose.  I've been off of them for a few months now, and most of the time the roller coaster is up, working perfectly.  But sometimes, shit just happens and the roller coaster goes into a really bad downward spiral that I can't seem to stop.

     Here lately that roller coaster has just been going absolutely crazy!  Up, up up, down, down, down, down, down.  Pass, fail, epic fail, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass EPIC FUCKING FAIL...what the fuck????  Its driving me crazy and I don't know what to do about it at this point.  Should I stay on the ride and see where it goes like most of myself is saying?  Or should I just say fuck it and slam on the breaks and get the hell off?  I just don't know.  I guess for now I will stay on the ride and see where it takes me...if I can ever get it going again that is!  Very close to epic fucking fail at this point, but hoping it will get better.  Guess I got really spoiled by the awesome time I had there for over a week.  For now, just gonna let it ride!