Welcome to the craziness that is my life! If you can't handle it, get out now!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Ultimate crash & burn on the roller coaster...no wait that was a car crash :/

Frontview: You can see the fracture/break just below the smallest screw.
Sideview of my bionic ankle
     Sigh!  Just a quick post to vent a bit.  So I was in a motor vehicle accident on June 30th.  Guy ran a red light, FHP didn't cite him, my van is deemed totaled, plus i have a broken left ankle that I had surgery for on July 8th, and my orthopedic surgeon says there might be tendon damage in my left knee but its too swollen for him to tell anything definitive. So I now have a bionic ankle (a plate & 5 screws to hold my left medial maleolus in place) which will be permanent unless it gives me problems. I haven't had a chance to upload van pictures yet, today is actually my first day back home.  I'm lucky that a broken ankle is all I have based on how my van looked.  I didn't even think I'd done more than get a sprain when it first happened, boy was I super wrong!  I've been staying with my super duper awesome boyfriend and his family since it happened....but more about the awesome boyfriend later...just need to get this stuff out to try and make myself feel a little better before I scare said boyfriend off from all my crying. :/
     I go back to my doctor on July 20th. What's really killing me is the helplessness I feel.  It's slowly breaking me down bit by bit, moment by moment.  This is the worst depression I've ever felt!  I wonder if my orthopedic doctor can give me an antidepressant prescription? Probably not though. I'm stressed about everything!  How am I going to be able to get a way of going as soon as possible?  How am I going to be able to take care of myself and my daughter?  Am I going to be walking by the time I have to go back to work?  I'm definitely thinking about using my EAP counseling for this.  I can do it over the phone, so I can cry my eyes out and not upset anybody.  This really hit me last night, really bad.  I just burst into tears over absolutely nothing...well part of it was feeling a little ignored i think and scared.  I have no family here at all.  If it wasn't for my boyfriend I would be pretty much alone because there's no one here who can put there lives on hold to see to my welfare on a daily basis.
     I was hoping being home & getting my daughter back (haven't seen her in 3 weeks due to all of this) would help snap me out of this, but so far it hasn't.  My failure to be able to go up & down the stairs that get me in & out of  my home is killing me.  I am literally terrified of these 5 stairs, well terrified of falling down said stairs & cracking my skull open or breaking other bones.  I managed to successfully go down them, but the up part is killing me.  The steps are high & I can't hop that high.  I don't know what I'm going to do!
     A part of me is also terrified of how this is going to affect my relationship.  I'm so scared that this is going to be too much and he's going to end it.  Or because he's such an awesome guy he will stay with me until I'm better then it will be over.  Depression makes me paranoid as well.  I think my mind is making something out of nothing.  I so wish this was just nightmare and that I could just wake up & everything would be back to the way it was.

1 comment:

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