Ultimate crash & burn on the roller coaster...no wait that was a car crash :/

Frontview: You can see the fracture/break just below the smallest screw.

Sideview of my bionic ankle

     Sigh!  Just a quick post to vent a bit.  So I was in a motor vehicle accident on June 30th.  Guy ran a red light, FHP didn't cite him, my van is deemed totaled, plus i have a broken left ankle that I had surgery for on July 8th, and my orthopedic surgeon says there might be tendon damage in my left knee but its too swollen for him to tell anything definitive. So I now have a bionic ankle (a plate & 5 screws to hold my left medial maleolus in place) which will be permanent unless it gives me problems. I haven't had a chance to upload van pictures yet, today is actually my first day back home.  I'm lucky that a broken ankle is all I have based on how my van looked.  I didn't even think I'd done more than get a sprain when it first happened, boy was I super wrong!  I've been staying with my super duper awesome boyfriend and his family since it happened....but more about the awesome boyfriend later...just need to get this stuff out to try and make myself feel a little better before I scare said boyfriend off from all my crying. :/

     I go back to my doctor on July 20th. What's really killing me is the helplessness I feel.  It's slowly breaking me down bit by bit, moment by moment.  This is the worst depression I've ever felt!  I wonder if my orthopedic doctor can give me an antidepressant prescription? Probably not though. I'm stressed about everything!  How am I going to be able to get a way of going as soon as possible?  How am I going to be able to take care of myself and my daughter?  Am I going to be walking by the time I have to go back to work?  I'm definitely thinking about using my EAP counseling for this.  I can do it over the phone, so I can cry my eyes out and not upset anybody.  This really hit me last night, really bad.  I just burst into tears over absolutely nothing...well part of it was feeling a little ignored i think and scared.  I have no family here at all.  If it wasn't for my boyfriend I would be pretty much alone because there's no one here who can put there lives on hold to see to my welfare on a daily basis.

     I was hoping being home & getting my daughter back (haven't seen her in 3 weeks due to all of this) would help snap me out of this, but so far it hasn't.  My failure to be able to go up & down the stairs that get me in & out of  my home is killing me.  I am literally terrified of these 5 stairs, well terrified of falling down said stairs & cracking my skull open or breaking other bones.  I managed to successfully go down them, but the up part is killing me.  The steps are high & I can't hop that high.  I don't know what I'm going to do!

     A part of me is also terrified of how this is going to affect my relationship.  I'm so scared that this is going to be too much and he's going to end it.  Or because he's such an awesome guy he will stay with me until I'm better then it will be over.  Depression makes me paranoid as well.  I think my mind is making something out of nothing.  I so wish this was just nightmare and that I could just wake up & everything would be back to the way it was.

Still trying to get it all figured out...anybody want to give me a clue?

     Still nothing!  Absolutely nothing!  And to top it all off I have nothing and am at a complete loss as to what to do about it.  I had someone ask me what was going on and I had no idea what to tell them because I absolutely don't know!

     I don't know what to do because I have no idea what's going on anymore!  It's ridiculous!  How can one person just drop off the face of the Earth, cutting off all communication with the person they had been dating?  It make no sense!  

     I figured that things would eventually return to some sort of normalcy after some time had passed and he was able to get everything together, especially where his son was concerned.  I did not foresee being cut out of the equation...AGAIN!!!

     The last time something bad happened that really messed with his head, I was pushed away.  We'd only known each other for about a month at that time, so it was kind of understandable.  Messed up but understandable.  But for it to happen again about 2 months after we started seeing each other again?  That is just seriously messed up!  I don't get it!  If you are in a relationship with someone and you want to make it work, you don't push them away when you are having a bad/hard time.  Just because you don't want them to see you in that kind of mood is no excuse!  If you can't handle someone at their worst or lowest, then who are you to deserve their best?

     Now I will admit that sometimes when I get really down or depressed I need some time alone.  But that does not last more than a day or two usually.  It is better to talk to people, namely those who are important to you, i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend.  To let them be there for you when you need it the most  I have done this already, isolated for a bit over the situation and then talked to the BFF's.  They have listened and given their opinions, but I still have nothing!  I know what I SHOULD do, but is it what I really want to do?  I got NOTHING!  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!  And it's tearing me apart that I can't figure this out!

These issues pin me to the floor....they choke me like a noose

     So ever since I heard this song the other day it has been stuck in my head.  It will not leave!  I have tried to get other songs stuck in there but it hasn't worked!  These words keep running through my head, over and over again!

     Probably because it seems to fit my current mood so well.  Issues coming at me from every corner!  I am trapped by them, slowly suffocating it seems!  Plus I don't know what to do about them, if anything!

     

     With work its just the same old, same old crap!  Kids being a pain in my ass!  With regards to my family there have been health issues going on and that doesn't look like its going to get better anytime soon!  My best friends have been sick lately...so visits have been out with one of them and the other has just been feeling like crap long distance.  Found out last week that a case management conference for my divorce was set up for today with the judge and the attorneys because opposing counsel is a really stupid bitch!  (She called it by the way, not my attorney!  It was called because my attorney corrected her final judgement paper she sent us...and let me tell you there were a LOT of corrections!) 

     Then there is my own personal life, which I honestly don't know what to think or do about it!  I really don't!  I am so confused!  I am tired of being told things and/or promised things and then no follow through on it!  *Sigh!*  I really don't remember it being this hard at the beginning of a relationship!  Of course I was 18 the last time that happened, so that could be it.  But I mean how hard is it to send a text the next day after telling someone the night before that you will text them tomorrow?  Think I am just going to leave it be for the moment.  As the saying goes:  If someone wants you in their life, they will make an effort to stay in it!  Which I understand that there are a lot of issues that have been thrown at wba right now, but seriously...all I want is a text letting me know that he's okay today, or that he's feeling better or worse today...is that really too much to ask?  The last time shit went down bad he went MIA for about a month!  I assumed he just didn't want to see me anymore so I wallowed in self pity over it for a bit then focused on moving and my upcoming divorce hearing.  Then ironically, he messaged me the night of my divorce hearing, after pretty much a month of nothing.  I understand depression, I really do, but I don't think I can take it again if he just shuts me out like that.  

     If you want a relationship to work, be successful and happy, you have to let each other in to all aspects of yourself, even the dark ones that you try to keep locked away.  You can't really know each other unless you see each other from all sides, all angles.  "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" is one of my favorite quotes by Marilyn Monroe and very applicable to this situation I think.  I guess I'll just wait and see for the moment.  At least I've finally learned not to get my hopes up where wba is concerned, I've found its the best way for me not to get hurt or angry.

Escape the Fate - Issues

This is the death of me.

I feel it constantly

Just like an enemy

That wants to see me bleed

So I try to be silent while my words they explode like hand grenades

I just gotta stay calm, before I let this time bomb blow up in my face.

These issues pin me to the floor

These issues are my overlord

I feel so dominated

These issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

The hounds of hell, they cry

That’s how they get to me

Inject my head with lies

The pain’s astonishing

Like a brick or a stone, slowly crushing my bones, sending me to my grave

And it’s such a fake, this life that I’ve made, I’m going insane

These issues pin me to the floor

These issues are my overlord

I feel so dominated

These issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues

Issues, they choke me like a noose

These issues pin me to the floor

These issues are my overlord

I feel so dominated

These issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Up, down, up, down, up, down.....I think I'm gonna puke!

I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK!

    I am so tired of feeling like I'm on a roller coaster!  I was down for so long in my life that when I got back up I had no idea what to do with myself.  Happiness was a foreign thing to me at that point because it had been absent from my life for so long.

     I spent most of my teenage years very depressed.  Didn't talk about it with anyone, just dealt with it by avoiding it or doing stupid shit.  I thought I had found true happiness toward the end of my teenage years, so up, went the roller coaster, slowly but surely. I was happy for a few years, no sadness or pain, even though I had ripped my family apart and lost some friends in the process.  But, it was my decision, everything has been my decision.  I am who I am because of each and every choice that I made in my life.  If I had to do it all over again knowing what it would cost me in the future, I would do everything the same because I have a beautiful, amazing little girl who is the light of my life out of it.

  I finally realized that I couldn't deal with my problems alone.  The roller coaster was as far down as it could go!  It was very much out of order at that point.  So I got help so that I could become a better person for myself and for my daughter.  I was never really one to talk about anything to anyone.  Always the quiet, shy, reserved person.  But I discovered that I had some truly amazing friends and family members in my life who wanted to be there for me, would listen to me bitch and complain, hold me when I cried, and just loved me for me.  Three months of therapy and a lot of antidepressants also helped as well.  For awhile things were very, very bad indeed!  Then I had an epiphany you could say.  I realized how much better off I was and I found my long lost self esteem (which had been missing since elementary school, despite the reward posters for its safe and quick return).

   So the roller coaster started creeping up the tracks again.  I was happy with myself and my life.  I finally got to a point where I was able to slowly take myself off the antidepressants, which took awhile since I was on the maximum dose.  I've been off of them for a few months now, and most of the time the roller coaster is up, working perfectly.  But sometimes, shit just happens and the roller coaster goes into a really bad downward spiral that I can't seem to stop.

     Here lately that roller coaster has just been going absolutely crazy!  Up, up up, down, down, down, down, down.  Pass, fail, epic fail, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass EPIC FUCKING FAIL...what the fuck????  Its driving me crazy and I don't know what to do about it at this point.  Should I stay on the ride and see where it goes like most of myself is saying?  Or should I just say fuck it and slam on the breaks and get the hell off?  I just don't know.  I guess for now I will stay on the ride and see where it takes me...if I can ever get it going again that is!  Very close to epic fucking fail at this point, but hoping it will get better.  Guess I got really spoiled by the awesome time I had there for over a week.  For now, just gonna let it ride!