Coffee! You can sleep when you're dead!

Dear Laundry,
I hate you!
Love, Me

     Today ended up being a really great day!  Got the house pretty much cleaned up and all the clean laundry put away.  That in itself was amazing because that is my least favorite chore to do EVER!!!  All that I have left to do is put the Christmas stuff back in the closets and clean the lil monster's room, but I'm saving that for later today. ;)  Didn't get around to much crocheting which made me kind of sad because it was my last day of Christmas vacation and I spent most of it cleaning.

     Took a nice relaxing bubble bath while my munchkin was being good.  She didn't want to take a nap today, which was very disappointing at first, but then I thought to myself, hey this means she'll go to bed early tonight! NOPE!!!  She stayed up till almost 10!  But it was all good, she really liked playing with the boyfriend and he's really good with her.  She drug him to her room to show off her new Dora bed tent that she's so proud of!  She made him soup, made him read her read-to me princess book on her IXL game (her "video" as she calls it lol), danced and sang the Candace's Busted Song from Phineas & Ferb, and of course jumped and crawled all over him.  All of this without a nap today!  It was insane!!!  Man if only I had a tenth of that energy!  She finally literally passed out on the couch near the end of Blade II lol.  So I got to have the boyfriend to myself for a little bit!  He gets the joy of figuring out where an exhaust leak is in the '68 in the morning so he left at about 11:30 because its going to be a long day for him.  Luckily he only lives less than 10 minutes from me, 5 when he drives lol!  Good thing he's a good driver huh?  How weird is it that we met online and that we live so close to one another?  I still can't get over it!

I so want this poster for my classroom!

   Alas, despite the business of my day I am now wide awake and unable to sleep!  Thankfully I don't have to be at work until 8 and then its breakfast and a boring meeting, so I can zone out until my coffee kicks in.  The saying on this image is going to be my motto for the day ahead!  Its going to take a lot of coffee to keep me going on the first day back at work after Christmas vacation!  One of my nurse or doctor friends or Mr. Chemistry Wiz BWM seriously needs to develop & perfect the coffee IV delivery system.  Maybe something like an insulin pump would work! :)  Can you tell that I need some sleep?  I knew it was going to happen as soon as the boyfriend left too!  I was so sleepy and comfortable curled up with him on the couch watching the movie, then I was wide awake, and I'm still wide awake!  As evidenced by this blog and the apparent rambling nature of it!  And now Blade Trinity is off and I am still nowhere near sleepy!  I blame the boyfriend!  It's all his fault! ;)

     *Sigh!*  I think I'm going to go curl up in bed and crochet for a bit.  I've started an afghan for my grandmother with the yarn I bought at the after Christmas sale at Michael's.  (Another Christmas gift that I bought for myself lol!)  I have a serious love/hate relationship with that store!  I love all the stuff, but I hate how much I spend when I go in there!  I spent like $55 on yarn and got 18 rolls of the really good soft yarn that usually sells for $6 a roll.  The afghan is the biggest project I've undertaken so far and its in a ripple striped  pattern that I have modified a bit from the original pattern.  Now that I am really happy again I will probably try to include my crochet stuff in blog posts on here!  Before my blog was mainly a way for me to vent, but now I have found happiness! <3

     

I feel like I'm losing my mind

     So now its Thursday.  It's been a week.  Still having issues, still can't get the brain to shut down when I am not busy.  I'm starting to run out of things to do!  My house is fixing to be entirely clean!  I just have to do a little cleaning/straightening in my room, then put away some DVDs, and its done.  It's rainy weather here so I can't do any kind of yard work, although there is not much that needs to be done there.  I think I am going to go take a nice hot relaxing bubble bath when I am done here.

     I will probably chill out and read a book followed by some Gilmore Girls.  I've started re-watching the series to keep me occupied sometimes.  Currently on the second season. :)  I forgot how much I liked this show.  Facebook has also been a pretty good distraction, most of the time anyway.  Yesterday I finally closed out the open chat window I've had open since mid-August.  

     Having awesome friends both local and far away has also helped.  Their care & support has been very key to me not going completely psycho! Plus I had fun last night with knittinglitemom and Bamfio.  Drinks and crazy Facebook comments!  Finally starting to feel like I can get through this, whatever this is.  I was even able to start my crocheting again.  Plus I think I'm going to start a baby blanket for one of my students that is about to become a father.

     So today, my mood is best suited by the song "World So Cold" by Three Days Grace.  Missing my girl!

"World So Cold"

Three Days Grace

I never thought

I'd feel this

Guilty and I'm

Broken down inside

Living with myself

Nothing but lies

I always thought

I'd make it

But never knew I'd

Let it get so bad

Living with myself

Is all I have

I feel numb

I can't come to life

I feel like

I'm frozen in time

Living in a

World so cold

Wasted away

Living in a shell

With no soul

Since you've gone away

Living in a world so cold

Counting the days

Since you've gone away

Do you ever feel me

Do you ever look

Deep down inside

Staring at yourself

Paralyzed

I feel numb

I can't come to life

I feel like

I'm frozen in time

Living in a

World so cold

Wasted away

Living in a shell

With no soul

Since you've gone away

Living in a world so cold

Counting the days

Since you've gone away

You've gone away from me

I'm too young

To lose my soul

I'm too young

To feel this old

So long

I'm left behind

I feel like

I'm losing my mind

Do you ever feel me

Do you ever look

Deep down inside

Staring at your life

Paralyzed

Living in a

World so cold

Wasted away

Living in a shell

With no soul

Since you've gone away

Living in a world so cold

Counting the days

Since you've gone away

I'm too young [x2]

Wish that I could pretend that none of this is real

     So this song very much describes how I'm feeling at the moment.  I love how no matter what emotion you are feeling you can always find a song somewhere that describes how you are feeling, no matter what your taste in music might be.  Personally, I'm a rocker chick through and through, with the occasional rap/pop songs thrown in every now and again.

     I just want to be able to get through everything, for me and my daughter's sakes.  What really, really sucks is that my daughter got attached, so now I have to figure out how to explain it to her.  This should be fun!  (Just to clarify, that statement was dripping with sarcasm!)  I don't know what to tell her because I myself have no freaking clue!  I've got nothing!  Absolutely nothing!  That is what sucks the most...the not knowing part.  Oh, and the not knowing what to do part, the trying to figure things out part!  Oh hell!  It all fucking sucks!  Who am I kidding!!!  I just wish I didn't care as much as I do, it would be so much easier!  The last time this happened it maybe took me about 2 weeks or so to get over it, but I wasn't too attached at that point.  This time its going to be much harder and take a lot longer.  I just wish I could fast forward or sleep through it all or something.

     I'm tired of feeling bad!  Physically and emotionally.  Been feeling this way for the past few weeks as things started to go into suck/fail/epic fail mode.  Seriously thinking about going back to see my therapist.  I'm going to get the number for the EAP tomorrow and give them a call when I get home.  If I'm not mistaken I get 6 free sessions every year.  They don't want us teachers to go all psycho on everybody I guess.  I have been trying to keep myself busy and my mind occupied as best I can since last Friday.  The weekend was busy with my daughter and Halloween stuff, but now that the work week has started and my daughter isn't here, keeping my mind busy has become harder.  I've been breaking up the cleaning I have to do into chunks to do throughout the week.  I bought a book to read as well.  Not in a crochet mood lately because the project I have in progress (a scarf for my daughter) I last worked on there on that last epic night, so all I would think about would be that.  This sucks!  I could start another project, but I don't know what to work on!  The project I planned to start after the scarf is kind of pointless now! :(  Well, it will get better, eventually I guess.

"Walk Away"
Five Finger Death Punch
I'm sorry for the demon I've become
You should be sorry for the angel you are not
I apologize for the cruel things that I did
But I don't regret one single word I said

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please release me from this hell
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real

Could you forgive me if I told you that I cared?
Would you be sorry if I swore that I'd be there?
Please forgive me for laughing when you fall
I'm so sorry but I never cared at all

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please release me from this hell
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is

Just walk away make it easy on us both
Just walk away there was never any hope
Just walk away you already know the deal
Just walk away, pretend that none of this was, none of this was real 

Hmmmmm! What to do, what to do?

Pumpkin Patch, October 29, 2010

     Despite all the whining from students and parents at work today and the fact that I woke up last night at about 2:30 and then couldn't go back to sleep because my back was killing, it turned out to be a decent enough day.  It took 4 Motrin to finally get rid of my backache, which turned into a headache before all the pain went away.  Of course, it was Friday and payday all rolled into one! :)

     Got some much needed errands done after work, still got more bills to take care of, but I'm saving that for tomorrow.  Also, got my girl's birthday presents bought.  My favorite part of the day was when I picked up my daughter from school and took her to the Pumpkin Patch downtown to take pictures in her costume and pick out a pumpkin to carve tomorrow.  The people there were super nice and helpful!  I got some good pictures of my girl, and even one of the two of us together.  We ended up with a pretty big pumpkin and 3 little tiny pumpkins.  I plan to carve Kai Lan and Ho ho on the pumpkin tomorrow because that is what my girl wants.  As for the 3 little guys that came home with us, I think I will let her color or paint them while I carve the big one tomorrow.

     Our day ended up at home with some chicken nuggets and some good old Phineas & Ferb.  Also, on the plus side found out the deal with knittinglitemom last night...lol...gotta love the forgetful parents is all I can say!  Got some plans for Halloween night in place now.  Been sitting here thinking about what to do tomorrow and all I can think of is taking my girl to Disney World for an early birthday present, since she would still be free & it would only be $82 plus tax for me for the day.  Might check with the parentals to see if they can help me out financially this month if I choose to go.  Going to sleep on it and see how things go in the morning before I decide.  Got nothing else to do tomorrow save cleaning house, laundry, and pumpkin carving.  Haven't heard from wba at all today, actually haven't heard from him since yesterday morning.  :(  But I expected nothing less!  Whatever!  I've pretty much had it on that front because its just getting ridiculous!  Fail week number 2 almost done!  Bring on the Saturday!