Welcome to the craziness that is my life! If you can't handle it, get out now!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Guess I'm never gonna learn...oh wait! Now I have!

     I've come to the conclusion that I'm never honestly 100% going to learn my lesson where wba is concerned.  I've held my tongue about being pushed away.  I put on my indifferent face when I got to see him for about 10 minutes last Saturday.  I even took my sweet time heading to the store in hopes that he would already be gone, but that didn't happen.  I almost died from shock that I actually heard from him outside of work that day!  So he said things were really settling down & that he would call me this week.  I told him I was going out of town for the week, leaving on Monday.  When asked when I would be back I told him Saturday.  He said for me to call him when I got back.  I in turn told him he could text me if he wanted.
     We texted pretty much the entire time I was out of town...even got to hear from him outside of work!!!  SHOCKER!!!!  Then it turns out that things had gotten better to the point that he felt comfortable letting his ex take their son to Alabama for Thanksgiving...leaving on Wednesday and coming back on Sunday.  He asked me at least 2 times during the week when I would be back.  Told me how much he missed me and that he was lonely because his son was gone and he had no real family to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with.  Stupid me felt so bad for him and assumed that I would get to see him when I got back home on Saturday.  Even toyed with the idea of going ahead and leaving on Friday instead just so I could see him.  Good thing I didn't even though my plans for Friday fell through and I could have went ahead and headed back home.  Here it is, Saturday night about 9 pm...I got home at about 5 pm and he was the first one that I texted to say that I was back.  I got one reply and that was it!  I mean WTF!!!!!!!  Seriously?  I'm home and now fucking nothing????  I'm back in town and apparently now I'm not good enough to have anything to do with?  And he made plans to go on the lake with a friend tomorrow...one that he went out with Wednesday.  Guess I know where I rank now!  Guess going wakeboarding is more important!  I know you haven't been in forever, but you haven's seen me in forever either.  Thanks so much for that by the way!  So I hurried home for nothing!  Came home to nothing because I'm fucking stupid!  I could have slept in, spent more time with my family, etc.  But NOOOOOO!  I got up at 5:30 am so I could get everything loaded and myself ready to go before my daughter woke up.  I even woke her up before she was ready to get up just so I could get back and spend time with him.
     I kind of wish I would have listened to my cousin and done what she told me to do while I was in Andalusia!  But at that point I thought things were going to be better and things were going better.
     Also, something odd on his Facebook...unless I'm crazy all the status updates that he posted this week have been removed along with their comments.  Now his status is just ".".  I got nothing!  So whatever!  (Actually, I just went and looked and pretty much all status updates since the drama started have been deleted!  makes no sense, but whatever!)
     Now hope is dead, everything is dead!  I can't do this anymore!  I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter!  It's not worth the hurt anymore, and there's been a LOT of hurt on my end since we met.  I'm just fucking done! I hope one of my friends is smart enough to beat my ass if I give this person another chance. 

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I'm sorry but the number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please hang up and don't try your call again!

     "Girls are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you're disconnected. Guys are like buses. If you miss that one, another will be along soon."~S.M.
     How true this statement is!  And how sad also.  I'm very much trying to be as "disconnected" as possible.  I can't be a complete bitch and ignore someone, so responding with a short simple "I know" was all I did.  It's more than what this person deserved!  Nothing for like a week and then something.  WHATEVER!  I probably would not have responded at all had this person not just had surgery, not a major surgery mind you, but a surgery all the same.
     What amazes me is that since I have decided that I am done, other "buses" are trying to come along.  But I don't think that these "buses" want anything serious or potentially long term like I do, like I thought I was working on with wba.  They seem to only want to make a quick bus stop and I am not having any of that!  I did the rebound guy thing and was ready to try and find something real, something special.  I thought I had it, but I guess I was just a bus stop after all!
     I can't wait until my daughter comes home tomorrow night!  Two more sleeps until I get to get the hell out of here and see my family!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Some very sad, hard life lessons

  As of late my friends have provided me with a wealth of inspiration to write about, which is a good thing because writing helps me to put everything in perspective.  I am officially done with the relationship that I thought I was in...but that's just my opinion.  I haven't heard from the other party since last Friday and that was just a one word response to my text that I was off work while he was not.  There was a Facebook status update on Monday, but nothing sent my way.  So yeah, whatever, I'm done!  Goodbye!
    
     The following are lessons posted by friends that very much apply to me at the moment:

     1.  "Men are like commercials: sounds good but you know its false advertisement." ~CRH.  Yeah, this one sounded really good.  Single dad, loves his son, active, same kind of music & movies, good job, great to talk to spend time with, etc.  But no follow through on promises, pushing me away when things get complicated...false advertisement!  Relationships have to have these things in addition to much more to make them work and be successful and maybe develop into something more.

     2.  "If you hear words saying one thing, but the actions show another, chances are you're being lied to." ~ JM.  How very true this statement is right now!  The words said "I still want to see you"  but the actions, which have been NOTHING nullify the words that were said.  Plus add to this the fact that when he started talking to me after the drama & the week of nothingness it was only while he was at work...never when he was at home.  Can you say suspicious & weird?  Makes me think that he was not staying at his place, but elsewhere or somewhere where he couldn't talk to me for some reason.  Oh well!  His loss!  I deserve better and will have better as soon as I find it or it finds me.  What really sucks is that I really thought that he was my better...guess I still have a lot to learn!  Damn me for getting into a relationship & marriage early in life!  Had I dated more I doubt I would be having such problems!

     3.  "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."~ JM.  I thought for a while that I was on my way to falling in love.  There was a lot of like admitted to on both sides.  Then shit just started happening until everything just kind of fell apart.  No fault on my end on this one! Its all him!  I tried to keep communication open!  But I was ignored and let go apparently.  Not sure how I feel about this lesson on life yet...Can one like until it hurts?  Ready for the hurt to be over!  I'm keeping busy as much as possible so that I don't have time to think about it  But late at night before bed my mind wanders and the sadness hits, sometimes tears fall for what might have been or what I thought was there.  Things will get better for me, just probably not as soon as I would like.

     Thankfully, next week is vacation time for me and Alyssa and I are going to see family and friends in Alabama.  I miss them terribly!  Plus getting out of Lakeland should help things!  So will going out drinking with my Alabama girls! :)  I can't wait!!!  I so need it!!!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Do not try this at home kids!

     "Whenever we were little girls and our mama's read us fairytales after they said and they lived happily ever after they should have said ps. do not try this at home as this is a lie." Stolen from J.M. :) Thanks for giving me inspiration today!

     I so think fairytales should come with warning labels stating that they will never happen to the average everyday person. Happily ever afters don't exist today. All the knights in shining armor are just retards in tinfoil, or at least in my experience they are.  Which is a very sad thing to have to realize at this point in my life.

     I thought I had the happily ever after, but then realized it was all a lie and that prince charming was actually a wolf in sheep's clothing if you will.

     Then I thought I had found a true knight in shining armor to save me, but I've come to the conclusion that I was wrong again.  I was so happy with life, with myself.  Then things just fell apart on his end.  I tried my best to be there, but he wouldn't let me in.  Too many things being left unsaid.  Too many secrets.  Too much shutting me out!  You can't build a successful relationship with those issues in the equation.  I just wish I had some form of closure so that I can move on with my single existence.  I thought maybe I would hear something today, especially since he was at the doctor's office this morning per Facebook  I'm assuming that today was for the labs that he needs for his wrist surgery on Friday, but I don't know!  About to the point of not caring, but its hard.

     So ladies if you're trapped in the tower, chop off your hair, form a rope, and save your own ass because no man will!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I'm thinking lets get a shovel!

     "Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy racing back and forth between partners. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death." ~ Colette Dowling.
     So after about a week and a half of absolutely NOTHING I finally hear something back.  He now has full custody of his son due to getting DCF involved in the situation.  He had also cut his phone off because his ex was harassing him 24/7.  He finally got it cut back on & started talking to me again telling me in short what had been going on.  When asked why he cut me off he replied that he didn't want me to get drug into everything, the no phone for awhile issue,  & that he is having to tread very carefully due to DCF's involvement in the situation.  Understandable to a point, but to not let me know what was happening?  Bullshit in my opinion!
     So at the moment I consider myself to be a single individual because I had no idea where we stood before the latest drama nor do I have any idea where we stand now.  Plus he's keeping something from me...I feel it. Some vital piece of this confusing puzzle that I am missing, but need to complete the picture.   That which is bothering me is the fact that I do not hear anything from him outside of his being at work.  It makes no sense to me.  I do not get it.  What is the problem with texting me after work?  I do not get it!  He says things are getting better and that he is working on being able to see me, but I don't believe it.  I can't believe it because I do not want to be hurt again.  I have my suspicions, which are probably colored by recent events in others lives.  But they are just that...suspicions.  I had planned to ask him about it this past Friday, but I only got one brief reply from him that day and then nothing afterwards, nor anything this weekend.  But I expected the lack of communication over the weekend based on the happenings of the week.  I plan to get it figured out this week, that is if I hear from him.  I'm absolutely done trying!  I'm tired of trying/asking and just getting hurt, disappointed.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Still trying to get it all figured out...anybody want to give me a clue?

     Still nothing!  Absolutely nothing!  And to top it all off I have nothing and am at a complete loss as to what to do about it.  I had someone ask me what was going on and I had no idea what to tell them because I absolutely don't know!
     I don't know what to do because I have no idea what's going on anymore!  It's ridiculous!  How can one person just drop off the face of the Earth, cutting off all communication with the person they had been dating?  It make no sense!  
     I figured that things would eventually return to some sort of normalcy after some time had passed and he was able to get everything together, especially where his son was concerned.  I did not foresee being cut out of the equation...AGAIN!!!
     The last time something bad happened that really messed with his head, I was pushed away.  We'd only known each other for about a month at that time, so it was kind of understandable.  Messed up but understandable.  But for it to happen again about 2 months after we started seeing each other again?  That is just seriously messed up!  I don't get it!  If you are in a relationship with someone and you want to make it work, you don't push them away when you are having a bad/hard time.  Just because you don't want them to see you in that kind of mood is no excuse!  If you can't handle someone at their worst or lowest, then who are you to deserve their best?
     Now I will admit that sometimes when I get really down or depressed I need some time alone.  But that does not last more than a day or two usually.  It is better to talk to people, namely those who are important to you, i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend.  To let them be there for you when you need it the most  I have done this already, isolated for a bit over the situation and then talked to the BFF's.  They have listened and given their opinions, but I still have nothing!  I know what I SHOULD do, but is it what I really want to do?  I got NOTHING!  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!  And it's tearing me apart that I can't figure this out!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I feel like I'm losing my mind

     So now its Thursday.  It's been a week.  Still having issues, still can't get the brain to shut down when I am not busy.  I'm starting to run out of things to do!  My house is fixing to be entirely clean!  I just have to do a little cleaning/straightening in my room, then put away some DVDs, and its done.  It's rainy weather here so I can't do any kind of yard work, although there is not much that needs to be done there.  I think I am going to go take a nice hot relaxing bubble bath when I am done here.
     I will probably chill out and read a book followed by some Gilmore Girls.  I've started re-watching the series to keep me occupied sometimes.  Currently on the second season. :)  I forgot how much I liked this show.  Facebook has also been a pretty good distraction, most of the time anyway.  Yesterday I finally closed out the open chat window I've had open since mid-August.  
     Having awesome friends both local and far away has also helped.  Their care & support has been very key to me not going completely psycho! Plus I had fun last night with knittinglitemom and Bamfio.  Drinks and crazy Facebook comments!  Finally starting to feel like I can get through this, whatever this is.  I was even able to start my crocheting again.  Plus I think I'm going to start a baby blanket for one of my students that is about to become a father.
     So today, my mood is best suited by the song "World So Cold" by Three Days Grace.  Missing my girl!



"World So Cold"
Three Days Grace

I never thought
I'd feel this
Guilty and I'm
Broken down inside
Living with myself
Nothing but lies

I always thought
I'd make it
But never knew I'd
Let it get so bad
Living with myself
Is all I have

I feel numb
I can't come to life
I feel like
I'm frozen in time

Living in a
World so cold
Wasted away
Living in a shell
With no soul
Since you've gone away
Living in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you've gone away

Do you ever feel me
Do you ever look
Deep down inside
Staring at yourself
Paralyzed

I feel numb
I can't come to life
I feel like
I'm frozen in time

Living in a
World so cold
Wasted away
Living in a shell
With no soul
Since you've gone away
Living in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you've gone away
You've gone away from me

I'm too young
To lose my soul
I'm too young
To feel this old
So long
I'm left behind
I feel like
I'm losing my mind

Do you ever feel me
Do you ever look
Deep down inside
Staring at your life
Paralyzed

Living in a
World so cold
Wasted away
Living in a shell
With no soul
Since you've gone away
Living in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you've gone away
I'm too young [x2]

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Wish that I could pretend that none of this is real

     So this song very much describes how I'm feeling at the moment.  I love how no matter what emotion you are feeling you can always find a song somewhere that describes how you are feeling, no matter what your taste in music might be.  Personally, I'm a rocker chick through and through, with the occasional rap/pop songs thrown in every now and again.
     I just want to be able to get through everything, for me and my daughter's sakes.  What really, really sucks is that my daughter got attached, so now I have to figure out how to explain it to her.  This should be fun!  (Just to clarify, that statement was dripping with sarcasm!)  I don't know what to tell her because I myself have no freaking clue!  I've got nothing!  Absolutely nothing!  That is what sucks the most...the not knowing part.  Oh, and the not knowing what to do part, the trying to figure things out part!  Oh hell!  It all fucking sucks!  Who am I kidding!!!  I just wish I didn't care as much as I do, it would be so much easier!  The last time this happened it maybe took me about 2 weeks or so to get over it, but I wasn't too attached at that point.  This time its going to be much harder and take a lot longer.  I just wish I could fast forward or sleep through it all or something.
     I'm tired of feeling bad!  Physically and emotionally.  Been feeling this way for the past few weeks as things started to go into suck/fail/epic fail mode.  Seriously thinking about going back to see my therapist.  I'm going to get the number for the EAP tomorrow and give them a call when I get home.  If I'm not mistaken I get 6 free sessions every year.  They don't want us teachers to go all psycho on everybody I guess.  I have been trying to keep myself busy and my mind occupied as best I can since last Friday.  The weekend was busy with my daughter and Halloween stuff, but now that the work week has started and my daughter isn't here, keeping my mind busy has become harder.  I've been breaking up the cleaning I have to do into chunks to do throughout the week.  I bought a book to read as well.  Not in a crochet mood lately because the project I have in progress (a scarf for my daughter) I last worked on there on that last epic night, so all I would think about would be that.  This sucks!  I could start another project, but I don't know what to work on!  The project I planned to start after the scarf is kind of pointless now! :(  Well, it will get better, eventually I guess.




"Walk Away"
Five Finger Death Punch
I'm sorry for the demon I've become
You should be sorry for the angel you are not
I apologize for the cruel things that I did
But I don't regret one single word I said

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please release me from this hell
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real

Could you forgive me if I told you that I cared?
Would you be sorry if I swore that I'd be there?
Please forgive me for laughing when you fall
I'm so sorry but I never cared at all

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please release me from this hell
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is

Just walk away make it easy on us both
Just walk away there was never any hope
Just walk away you already know the deal
Just walk away, pretend that none of this was, none of this was real 

Monday, November 1, 2010

I think I am all out of pieces!

     "All changes are more or less tinged with melancholy, for what we are leaving behind is part of ourselves." - Amelia Barr
     I really think I have absolutely nothing left that I could leave behind anymore!  Seriously the puzzle box is all empty!
     The puzzle was damaged, but I was able to fix it and put it back together again.  Took awhile and some help to find all the pieces, but I did it.  Took myself back out into the world, intact, whole, and confident.  It was a rough and rocky start, but then things began to look up!  Or at least for awhile they did!
     Then all of a sudden BAM!!!  There goes the puzzle again!  Pieces once again missing from the picture.  But I was able to pick up the pieces again and get it pretty much back together, ready to try to move on again.  
     Then on August 13th, after a really bad day, the person who last broke the puzzle comes back into the picture and I let them back in.  Things start up again and were going really well.  We finally had our first official date and then even a second one!  Then things started happening, not to me, but to him.  Now, he has once again gone M.I.A. because of it.  I don't understand why he felt the need to shut me out!  TWICE!  I mean if you can't handle someone when they're at their lowest/worst, why should you get their best?  I thought that he would get through it and that he would let me help him.  He was talking to me about it this time.  But I guess I was wrong.  Sitting here now I realize that I never truly knew where we stood with one another.  I thought that things were good between us and would only get better in time.  But time was one of the issues the last few weeks.  I wanted more time with him than I was getting. due to various issues on his part.
     Well, time to try and pick up the pieces again I guess!  Slowly but surely, one by one, piece by piece.  I just wish it didn't hurt so much!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Hmmmmm! What to do, what to do?

Pumpkin Patch, October 29, 2010
     Despite all the whining from students and parents at work today and the fact that I woke up last night at about 2:30 and then couldn't go back to sleep because my back was killing, it turned out to be a decent enough day.  It took 4 Motrin to finally get rid of my backache, which turned into a headache before all the pain went away.  Of course, it was Friday and payday all rolled into one! :)
     Got some much needed errands done after work, still got more bills to take care of, but I'm saving that for tomorrow.  Also, got my girl's birthday presents bought.  My favorite part of the day was when I picked up my daughter from school and took her to the Pumpkin Patch downtown to take pictures in her costume and pick out a pumpkin to carve tomorrow.  The people there were super nice and helpful!  I got some good pictures of my girl, and even one of the two of us together.  We ended up with a pretty big pumpkin and 3 little tiny pumpkins.  I plan to carve Kai Lan and Ho ho on the pumpkin tomorrow because that is what my girl wants.  As for the 3 little guys that came home with us, I think I will let her color or paint them while I carve the big one tomorrow.
     Our day ended up at home with some chicken nuggets and some good old Phineas & Ferb.  Also, on the plus side found out the deal with knittinglitemom last night...lol...gotta love the forgetful parents is all I can say!  Got some plans for Halloween night in place now.  Been sitting here thinking about what to do tomorrow and all I can think of is taking my girl to Disney World for an early birthday present, since she would still be free & it would only be $82 plus tax for me for the day.  Might check with the parentals to see if they can help me out financially this month if I choose to go.  Going to sleep on it and see how things go in the morning before I decide.  Got nothing else to do tomorrow save cleaning house, laundry, and pumpkin carving.  Haven't heard from wba at all today, actually haven't heard from him since yesterday morning.  :(  But I expected nothing less!  Whatever!  I've pretty much had it on that front because its just getting ridiculous!  Fail week number 2 almost done!  Bring on the Saturday!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

You want hope? Sorry we're pretty much out of that at the moment, please check with us tomorrow

     The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines hope as the following: "to cherish a desire with anticipation."   I am almost 100% sure that I have used up my lifetime supply of hope in the past couple of weeks.  Nothing has been worse lately than to hope for something and then not to get it.  Especially if it is something as simple as hearing from someone when they told you they would.  Is is really that hard to follow through with something as simple as "I"ll text you tomorrow ok"  or "I'll call you later."  Honestly, it takes what 30 seconds or so to send a text to someone?  Even less if you use that handy reply feature.
     So yes, as the image above says, "Hope may not be warranted at this point."  I'm so tired of hoping for things and not getting them!  Then getting either angry, upset, disappointed, or hurt over it.  I'm trying to train myself not to hope for or expect anything, especially where wba is concerned.  Because I just get end up getting disappointed, angry, upset, and hurt when what I was hoping to happen didn't happen. I'm doing much better at it!  I already decided that this week I would not be seeing him & so far that hasn't disappointed me.  Amazing huh?  Also, when I was told I'd hear from him the next day and I didn't hear anything until the end of the day after, I wasn't really mad.  I knew it would happen that way, I expected it because its happened several times before. Plus if you add in all the other broken promises, you would completely understand my anti-hope stance.  Also lets throw in the fact that knittinglitemom has kind of been in fail mode today... disappointed on that front, both for myself and my daughter, so maybe I need to stop hoping there too.  The only people who haven't failed on me lately are my mom and my sissy, who is the sister of my heart.  I miss my family so much right now!  I wish I had them here with me or that they were closer so I could just take off to visit whenever I wanted.  As it is right now, they are about a 7 hour drive away and I haven't seen them since...man I can't remember when the last time I saw them was!  That's pretty bad!.
     I just wish that wba would let me in more.  I understand the need to be alone and get yourself straight, I really do, especially when the problems involve your children and the struggles and turmoil of divorce.  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!  But somethings you just don't need to be alone for.  Somethings you just need someone there, someone real to actually listen to you, really listen & not judge.  But that's just my opinion!
     I know that therapy really helped me out when I was going through hard times.  I highly recommend it to anyone experiencing difficult times.  Sometimes you need that neutral party perspective to get yourself right again.
     I don't know how this story is going to end.  I have no idea what to do at the moment other than just sit back and wait and see what happens.  But I am done making the first effort!  That is all in his court now!  Like I said I am done hoping!  These past almost 3 weeks has taught me that...since I've only seen him 3 times during that time, 4 times if you want to count the 15 minutes from Saturday, which I don't because I was angry at the time and when I started to calm down shit started to go down which brought an end to the evening that I just knew was going to be another epic fail.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

These issues pin me to the floor....they choke me like a noose

     So ever since I heard this song the other day it has been stuck in my head.  It will not leave!  I have tried to get other songs stuck in there but it hasn't worked!  These words keep running through my head, over and over again!

     Probably because it seems to fit my current mood so well.  Issues coming at me from every corner!  I am trapped by them, slowly suffocating it seems!  Plus I don't know what to do about them, if anything!
     
     With work its just the same old, same old crap!  Kids being a pain in my ass!  With regards to my family there have been health issues going on and that doesn't look like its going to get better anytime soon!  My best friends have been sick lately...so visits have been out with one of them and the other has just been feeling like crap long distance.  Found out last week that a case management conference for my divorce was set up for today with the judge and the attorneys because opposing counsel is a really stupid bitch!  (She called it by the way, not my attorney!  It was called because my attorney corrected her final judgement paper she sent us...and let me tell you there were a LOT of corrections!) 
     Then there is my own personal life, which I honestly don't know what to think or do about it!  I really don't!  I am so confused!  I am tired of being told things and/or promised things and then no follow through on it!  *Sigh!*  I really don't remember it being this hard at the beginning of a relationship!  Of course I was 18 the last time that happened, so that could be it.  But I mean how hard is it to send a text the next day after telling someone the night before that you will text them tomorrow?  Think I am just going to leave it be for the moment.  As the saying goes:  If someone wants you in their life, they will make an effort to stay in it!  Which I understand that there are a lot of issues that have been thrown at wba right now, but seriously...all I want is a text letting me know that he's okay today, or that he's feeling better or worse today...is that really too much to ask?  The last time shit went down bad he went MIA for about a month!  I assumed he just didn't want to see me anymore so I wallowed in self pity over it for a bit then focused on moving and my upcoming divorce hearing.  Then ironically, he messaged me the night of my divorce hearing, after pretty much a month of nothing.  I understand depression, I really do, but I don't think I can take it again if he just shuts me out like that.  
     If you want a relationship to work, be successful and happy, you have to let each other in to all aspects of yourself, even the dark ones that you try to keep locked away.  You can't really know each other unless you see each other from all sides, all angles.  "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" is one of my favorite quotes by Marilyn Monroe and very applicable to this situation I think.  I guess I'll just wait and see for the moment.  At least I've finally learned not to get my hopes up where wba is concerned, I've found its the best way for me not to get hurt or angry.
Escape the Fate - Issues
This is the death of me.
I feel it constantly
Just like an enemy
That wants to see me bleed
So I try to be silent while my words they explode like hand grenades
I just gotta stay calm, before I let this time bomb blow up in my face.

These issues pin me to the floor
These issues are my overlord
I feel so dominated
These issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose

The hounds of hell, they cry
That’s how they get to me
Inject my head with lies
The pain’s astonishing
Like a brick or a stone, slowly crushing my bones, sending me to my grave
And it’s such a fake, this life that I’ve made, I’m going insane

These issues pin me to the floor
These issues are my overlord
I feel so dominated
These issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues
Issues, they choke me like a noose

These issues pin me to the floor
These issues are my overlord
I feel so dominated
These issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose

Monday, October 25, 2010

You bring the duct tape, I've got the shovels and plenty of places to hide the bodies!

     The shear audacity and stupidity of some people never ceases to amaze me!  I mean really!  You are a parent! Grow the fuck up and be responsible!  When you become a parent, your life is not your own anymore.  There is a little boy or girl that is totally dependent on you for everything.  Every decision you make affects the child!  When a child is in the picture you can pretty much kiss your life goodbye for the next 18 years.

     Children subject to a divorce between the parents have an especially difficult time.  Some people use them as pawns, others use them as bargaining chips, financial or otherwise, while some just don't give a shit!  It is the children who end up suffering the most, along with the better parent in the relationship, whether it be the mother or the father.  

     What also amazes me is the fact that when infidelity is involved in the relationship/marriage, which lead to the end of said relationship/marriage, when the person who was not unfaithful finally moves on and starts dating again all hell seems to break loose in one way or another!  Most likely because these cheating individuals with no morals don't think the other person is capable of moving on.  Whats good for one is good for the other I say!  If you are one of the unfaithful, you do not have the right to fucking judge the other person when they finally find someone to be with!  Who the fuck are you to judge anyway?  You're the piece of shit that cheated, destroyed a relationship and/or family (or in some cases families), and left!  You have no say in the matter!  And for you to pull some bullshit when the good parent moves on with someone who is a much better person/parent than you ever were or could ever hope to be?  Pffft!  You are a moron!  You should be eliminated from the gene pool!
     Also, who are you to assume that the person you left has no life?  Are you kidding me?  Just because you ripped someone apart doesn't mean they will be broken forever, or for long.  So, to all you bitches, bastards, and assholes in general out there I leave you with the following: 1. Mind your own fucking business.  2. Be a good parent or don't be a parent at all.  3. Stop with the fucking drama, bullshit and lies. 4.  Grow the fuck up or prepare to meet Jesus, or as will most likely be the case, the other guy, on my terms!!!!!!  I've got friends, duct tape, shovels, and I know how not to leave behind any evidence!  Your choice!  Choose wisely!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The modern day American family...not what it used to be!

  
     I remember when I was growing up that the dream for the perfect American family consisted of two loving parents, 2.5 children, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence.  Nowadays this dream no longer exists!
      So I decided to do some research into the modern American family and its make-up.  I found the following statistics on a website, can't remember which one, so I apologize for not giving credit where credit is due.
     Divorce rate in America for first marriage: 50%
     Divorce rate in America for second marriage: 67%
     Divorce rate in
America for third marriage: 74%

     But stats of 2008 shows that divorce rates are falling as more and more people are choosing to marry later.

     Any amount of college decreases the chance of divorce by 13 percent
     An income over $50,000 decreases the chance of divorce by 30 percent
     Couples with an income under $25,000 have a 50 percent chance of ending up getting divorced.

     As far as the number of children nowadays, approximately 62% of married couples do not have any children. Americans are also choosing to marry later in life than before.  For women the average age for a first marriage is about 25 years of age.  For men, the average age for a first marriage is higher, 28 years of age.  I myself married at the age of 22, my spouse was 20.  I was 26 when my daughter was born.
     The high divorce rate in America leads to the modern day American family in which children grow up in 2 separate homes and even 2 separate families. I'd really like to know what happened to the American dream of the perfect family life.  
        As far as my own divorce goes, the reasons for it are more than just one.  I was happy for awhile, but then things changed.  The honeymoon ended you could say.  About a little more than a year into it I found myself questioning my choice to marry.  That feeling only increased over the next few years.  At one point I found myself searching out divorce information and lawyers because I was so unhappy and tired of all the bullshit.  But I talked myself into sticking it out because I didn't want my marriage to end up like my parents marriage or like my in-laws marriage.  I wanted that shit to end with them!  So despite all the fights, which were mainly about money, drug/alcohol use, preferring to spend time with friends rather than at home with me, and really stupid behavior on my spouses part, I chose to stick it out.  Then when I found out I was pregnant, I felt that I had no choice in the matter.
I so want one of these when me &
my girlfriends have our divorce
party!
     A year & a half after my daughter was born, the shit hit the fan and it was all over.  At first I wanted to fix it because of my daughter, but then I woke up and realized that this was for the better.  I could not be with someone like that, someone who had no morals.  I deserved better than that!  I was worth more than that!  The one thing he said he would never do, he did.  The one thing that I could never forgive or live with.  I was so convinced during my marriage and for a time after it ended that I could not do any better, which was also part of the reason that I held onto it for longer than I should.  It amazes me how one spouse can convince the other that they are the best they could ever get.  I'm not the only one to experience this phenomenon either.  One of my best friends that I will just call knittinglitemom was also brainwashed into thinking the exact same thing by her spouse.  
     But wonder of wonders she & I both came to the realization that our exes were so full of shit it was pathetic.  We have both found people so much better than what we had before.  However, if we had to do everything all over again we would do it the same way because we got the most awesome children out of it all.  Apparently that was what was meant to be out of both of our marriages.  Knittinglitemom helped me through some hard times.  I'm very glad to have met her and to have her in my life.  She is truly an amazing woman, mom, and friend. :)  
       Now, its not only men that can fuck a marriage up.  Women can also be the cause and the results seem to be even more messed up when this is the case.  Of course this is just my own personal opinion based on what I know from the men in my life that are going/gone through the process.  In bamfio's case, his spouse cheated on him and completely walked out on their two adorable little girls.  I could never ever ever ever ever ever do that to my little girl!  I don't understand how a woman could do something like that!  I really don't!  These little girls are just super amazing!  It's a good thing they have an amazing dad in their lives.  On a positive note, now the mom is starting to try and be a part of their lives.  I hope it turns out well for everyone involved.
      The worst divorce related scenario I know of has to be that of wba's.  This situation is so beyond fucked up!  There are really just no words to describe it!  I've known wba since mid-June and we've been seriously seeing one another for a little over 2 months.  He is an awesome father even though he does not get to see his son as often as he would like.  He calls his son everyday He's been told by the ex and his mother-in-law that his son is not really his both to his face and in the divorce papers that he was served with, which is absolute bullshit in my opinion.  You only have to look at him and his son together!  His father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer earlier in the year.  So rather than be a dick about it, he let his ex pretty much have their son for the entire duration of his illness.  This way they son and grandfather could have as much time as possible together, which was a very awesome thing to do.  Now, lets add an illicit affair to the mix.  Not from the ex, even though that did occur during the marriage.  I'm talking about an affair between wba's boss and his mother-in-law while her husband was dying.  After his death about a month ago that affair really took off.  How fucked up is that? I mean seriously what the hell is wrong with these people?  Add to that the fact that the ex told a major fucking lie to wba last night, which he caught her in BIG TIME!!!  The child was not where he was told he was.  He was in the one place he absolutely did not want him to be...at the boss's with the mother-in-law.  To top that off, when he finally got hold of his ex on the phone she sounded completely fucked up, strung out on drugs fucked up.  Thus shit really hit the fan last night and shattered it!  Thus nothing could be done save finding out for sure and getting his son out of where he was at.  Which I do not fault him for 1 bit.  Your children have to come first!!!!  ALWAYS!!!  He finds the ex, and she was completely stoned out of her mind and on her way to a hotel room.  So once he discovered that, he knew he had to get his son away from it.  What's really messed up is that he had always said and believed that she was a good mother.       
     Never in a million years did he expect something like that to occur.  So the cops were called and he goes to his bosses house to wait for the cops.  It did not end well either.  Because of a locked fucking gate, the cops could not go in and get his son.  How fucked up is that?  A locked gate?  Are you kidding me?  That is absolute bullshit!!!  So now because the ex is a complete bitch and there are no court orders for visitation yet, he will probably not get to see his son until who knows when!  Plus since his boss is involved, there is now a high possibility that he could be fired tomorrow.  So now wba is in a very bad place.  Which makes me very sad.  I am just hoping that he is sleeping right now like he said he was going to do and that he is not still contemplating doing something that would be extremely stupid to do right now in the mood that he is in.  Regardless, he needs his son as much as his son needs him.  The same goes for all children and their parents.  The only exception would have to be that of the unfit parent.  Man!  This took me so long to get out!  I am so hoping that things improve for wba.  I want him to be happy.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Somebody check my brain...I think it's going to explode!

    So the epic failure that has been this week continues!  What really sucks is that I thought that it would be a really good one, but once again I was wrong and was really let down.  I really thought yesterday or today would be a turning point, but I was wrong once again.  You'd think that by now I would have learned my lesson, but I guess I was just too stupid and hopeful!  I should really fix this hope thing so I'll stop getting hurt when I don't get what I hope for.
     Now the entire thing has me pissed as hell and has given me a huge headache!  I really wish the 3 Motrin I popped earlier would kick in & make it go away!  I hate having headaches, especially those cause by stress and emotions.
     It's times like this that I really wish I had my daughter with me.  I could really use one of her hugs and a cuddle from my angel right about now along with an "I love you mommy, it's okay."  Not having her with me right now is making me cry.
     I really wish I had money to go out to a movie or something tonight instead of spending the remainder of the night at home by myself doing laundry and blogging.  Not even the piece of cake with chocolate frosting I had a little while ago is making me feel better.
     The only 2 good things to come out of this week from hell has been 1.) today I only had to work from 8am to 12pm but got paid for a full day and 2.) I discovered that I have lost another 10 pounds today.  Which creates another problem...my clothes are all too loose on me now and I have no money to buy anymore as I am barely able to make ends meet as it is.  Plus my growing girl needs clothes more than I do as she is growing bigger and doesn't have many clothes that fit.  I can do without...I've done it before I can do it again!
     I was pretty okay with yesterday until today after I got home...then everything went to shit!  I got extremely pissed off over something that I found out happened last night.  It just seemed like things were being kept from me, that I was being lied to,  and that I just wasn't worth spending time with anymore.  I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about the events of last night...are they true or are they not?  Plus add in the fact that this is the 3rd time that this almost exact same situation has occurred plus the fact that I haven't seen someone in like a week, nor spent any quality time with this someone in almost 2 weeks and you get one really pissed off bitch!
     Plus I'd been thinking since before the fail that was today occurred that I would finally get to see this someone today because it was to be an early day for us both.  Once again I was fucking wrong!  Go figure a promise was made to a friend a few days ago that just couldn't be broken.  But yet its fine to make promises to me, even simple ones such as I'll call you tomorrow or when I get home, then break them!  But yet this promise to watch a baseball game just couldn't be broken!  Wish I could get a fucking promise 3 days in advance that actually had follow through on it!  I'd have to say that 75% of the promises that have been made to me by a certain someone have failed, usually in the epic fashion.  
     I've been promised today that we'll do something tomorrow, but I'm not putting much hope into it.  I'm tired of being hurt by failed promises!  Tired of hoping and then being disappointed.  My girlfriends all say I should just say fuck it all...that this kind of drama/epic failure is happening too early in our relationship so I should just get out now.  *sigh!*  I think I'm just going to try and sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow, but I doubt sleep will come any time soon...emotions still running high and in all directions

Thursday, October 21, 2010

What a day, what a day!

     What a day!  Hell!  What a fucking week!  We'll just go ahead and say epic fail for this week in all respects of life!  There's no saving it at this point!  Hoping some alcohol later will make it somewhat better, or at least make me forget about it for awhile!  Work and my personal life have both been in fail mode this week & its really starting to get to me!  At least I only have to work from 8-12 tomorrow yet still get paid for the whole day.  Not holding out much hope for the personal life this week. :(  Its been pretty much in epic fail mode since sunday....in fail mode since wednesday of last week.  No clue what to do!
     This week is even going to bleed over into next week!  The only positive is that I get to be off of work on Tuesday!  Got that absence all set up and cleared today.  The downside is I get to go to my attorney's office for a phone conference with the judge because the ex and his attorney are both idiots!  Had an in-law try and start shit over that comment, so ya know what! DELETED!!!!!  Anybody else wants to start shit over something I say, by all means, go right ahead!  That's the magic of the delete button!  It says fuck you in the simplest of terms.




Nonpoint - What a Day


Sittin' on your ass all day thinkin' about your hangover 
and the party you left your fuckin' keys at 
and had to beg for a ride from a stranger that I never met before he acted 
so friendly that I had to take the ride 
but for some reason he resembled that guy wanted for a robbery 
and beatin' on his kid "you remind me of my stepson" he chuckles with a grin. 
What was that move that they taught in self-defense 
where you block the killer's knife move with some confidence the signal 
when you're trapped inside a moving car I wonder if he'll drive real far. 
What a day, you should've stayed home shootin' the breeze all day, 
you should think next time before you start to play, 
I wonder what will happen today. 
Rub your eyes from no sleep this week tap your heels home then fall asleep. 
Sittin' around looking for a fight kinda' pissed off how I'm turnin' 
My life up-side down from insecure insecurities makin' up 
My mind through old hypocrisy up and out of harms way down 
cause I want to be there here because you want 
Me not because you're caught in My stare. 
What was that move that they taught in self-defense 
where you block the killer's knife move with some confidence the signal 
when you're trapped inside a moving car I wonder if he'll drive real far. 
What a day, you should've stayed home shootin' the breeze all day, 
you should think next time before you start to play, 
I wonder what will happen today. 
Rub your eyes from no sleep this week tap your heels home then fall asleep, 
asleep in bed you'll do something tomorrow instead.