It's been a long while...and boy has life been weird!

     Well, its been what seems like forever since I have posted anything on here.  I've done some stupid regrettable things and some pretty amazing things.  I am now the one in charge of my roller coaster ride of life!  I decide what's best for me, what will make me happy.  Throughout I keep in mind my beautiful little girl!  My life is her life & vice versa.

"Spiderweb Blankie"

     The stupid mistake I made was getting back with an ex-boyfriend for about a month.  What a waste of my time!  I have absolutely no idea what I was thinking!  Oh well, it ended, I wasn't hurt in the least.  Exes are seriously exes for a reason, in some cases for multiple reasons.

     I've been working on lots of different crochet projects as well.  I made my daughter a skirt & top.  I also made her a jacob's ladder round blanket, aka the "spiderweb blankie."  I've also made some amazing and cute hats!  Currently I am working on two blankets.  One is a black & tan granny square and the other is a 16 point star.  I get burnt out on one & swap to the other.  I'm about to start making hats to sell to people.

     As far as work goes, it falls into the "hate" category at the moment.  I do not like what they've got me teaching or the students that I'm teaching.  I used to love my job!  This year most days I HATE it and want to strangle someone or multiple someones!!!  I tried to get a dean to help me one day because I was at my wits end with one of my classes and the dean had the audacity to ask me what I wanted him to do!  I almost told him what he could do!  I'm so tired of all the B.S. in the K-12 education system here in Florida.  It's not going to get any better either!

     I'm currently looking into trying to do something else, namely looking into teaching at a college, where the students are there because they want to be, they're not total idiots, and I can kick them out of my class for pissing me off without fear of mommy & daddy bitching about it!  They don't pay me enough to put up with all the crap I do on a daily basis.  Some days I just want to go all Abby Scuito on them!  I know forensics so I could so get away with it!  But enough complaining.  Life goes on, and I will deal with it and overcome it!

       Enough playing catch up for one night!  Time for some House then bed!

Coffee! You can sleep when you're dead!

Dear Laundry,
I hate you!
Love, Me

     Today ended up being a really great day!  Got the house pretty much cleaned up and all the clean laundry put away.  That in itself was amazing because that is my least favorite chore to do EVER!!!  All that I have left to do is put the Christmas stuff back in the closets and clean the lil monster's room, but I'm saving that for later today. ;)  Didn't get around to much crocheting which made me kind of sad because it was my last day of Christmas vacation and I spent most of it cleaning.

     Took a nice relaxing bubble bath while my munchkin was being good.  She didn't want to take a nap today, which was very disappointing at first, but then I thought to myself, hey this means she'll go to bed early tonight! NOPE!!!  She stayed up till almost 10!  But it was all good, she really liked playing with the boyfriend and he's really good with her.  She drug him to her room to show off her new Dora bed tent that she's so proud of!  She made him soup, made him read her read-to me princess book on her IXL game (her "video" as she calls it lol), danced and sang the Candace's Busted Song from Phineas & Ferb, and of course jumped and crawled all over him.  All of this without a nap today!  It was insane!!!  Man if only I had a tenth of that energy!  She finally literally passed out on the couch near the end of Blade II lol.  So I got to have the boyfriend to myself for a little bit!  He gets the joy of figuring out where an exhaust leak is in the '68 in the morning so he left at about 11:30 because its going to be a long day for him.  Luckily he only lives less than 10 minutes from me, 5 when he drives lol!  Good thing he's a good driver huh?  How weird is it that we met online and that we live so close to one another?  I still can't get over it!

I so want this poster for my classroom!

   Alas, despite the business of my day I am now wide awake and unable to sleep!  Thankfully I don't have to be at work until 8 and then its breakfast and a boring meeting, so I can zone out until my coffee kicks in.  The saying on this image is going to be my motto for the day ahead!  Its going to take a lot of coffee to keep me going on the first day back at work after Christmas vacation!  One of my nurse or doctor friends or Mr. Chemistry Wiz BWM seriously needs to develop & perfect the coffee IV delivery system.  Maybe something like an insulin pump would work! :)  Can you tell that I need some sleep?  I knew it was going to happen as soon as the boyfriend left too!  I was so sleepy and comfortable curled up with him on the couch watching the movie, then I was wide awake, and I'm still wide awake!  As evidenced by this blog and the apparent rambling nature of it!  And now Blade Trinity is off and I am still nowhere near sleepy!  I blame the boyfriend!  It's all his fault! ;)

     *Sigh!*  I think I'm going to go curl up in bed and crochet for a bit.  I've started an afghan for my grandmother with the yarn I bought at the after Christmas sale at Michael's.  (Another Christmas gift that I bought for myself lol!)  I have a serious love/hate relationship with that store!  I love all the stuff, but I hate how much I spend when I go in there!  I spent like $55 on yarn and got 18 rolls of the really good soft yarn that usually sells for $6 a roll.  The afghan is the biggest project I've undertaken so far and its in a ripple striped  pattern that I have modified a bit from the original pattern.  Now that I am really happy again I will probably try to include my crochet stuff in blog posts on here!  Before my blog was mainly a way for me to vent, but now I have found happiness! <3

     

Wish that I could pretend that none of this is real

     So this song very much describes how I'm feeling at the moment.  I love how no matter what emotion you are feeling you can always find a song somewhere that describes how you are feeling, no matter what your taste in music might be.  Personally, I'm a rocker chick through and through, with the occasional rap/pop songs thrown in every now and again.

     I just want to be able to get through everything, for me and my daughter's sakes.  What really, really sucks is that my daughter got attached, so now I have to figure out how to explain it to her.  This should be fun!  (Just to clarify, that statement was dripping with sarcasm!)  I don't know what to tell her because I myself have no freaking clue!  I've got nothing!  Absolutely nothing!  That is what sucks the most...the not knowing part.  Oh, and the not knowing what to do part, the trying to figure things out part!  Oh hell!  It all fucking sucks!  Who am I kidding!!!  I just wish I didn't care as much as I do, it would be so much easier!  The last time this happened it maybe took me about 2 weeks or so to get over it, but I wasn't too attached at that point.  This time its going to be much harder and take a lot longer.  I just wish I could fast forward or sleep through it all or something.

     I'm tired of feeling bad!  Physically and emotionally.  Been feeling this way for the past few weeks as things started to go into suck/fail/epic fail mode.  Seriously thinking about going back to see my therapist.  I'm going to get the number for the EAP tomorrow and give them a call when I get home.  If I'm not mistaken I get 6 free sessions every year.  They don't want us teachers to go all psycho on everybody I guess.  I have been trying to keep myself busy and my mind occupied as best I can since last Friday.  The weekend was busy with my daughter and Halloween stuff, but now that the work week has started and my daughter isn't here, keeping my mind busy has become harder.  I've been breaking up the cleaning I have to do into chunks to do throughout the week.  I bought a book to read as well.  Not in a crochet mood lately because the project I have in progress (a scarf for my daughter) I last worked on there on that last epic night, so all I would think about would be that.  This sucks!  I could start another project, but I don't know what to work on!  The project I planned to start after the scarf is kind of pointless now! :(  Well, it will get better, eventually I guess.

"Walk Away"
Five Finger Death Punch
I'm sorry for the demon I've become
You should be sorry for the angel you are not
I apologize for the cruel things that I did
But I don't regret one single word I said

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please release me from this hell
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real

Could you forgive me if I told you that I cared?
Would you be sorry if I swore that I'd be there?
Please forgive me for laughing when you fall
I'm so sorry but I never cared at all

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please release me from this hell
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is

Just walk away make it easy on us both
Just walk away there was never any hope
Just walk away you already know the deal
Just walk away, pretend that none of this was, none of this was real 

Hmmmmm! What to do, what to do?

Pumpkin Patch, October 29, 2010

     Despite all the whining from students and parents at work today and the fact that I woke up last night at about 2:30 and then couldn't go back to sleep because my back was killing, it turned out to be a decent enough day.  It took 4 Motrin to finally get rid of my backache, which turned into a headache before all the pain went away.  Of course, it was Friday and payday all rolled into one! :)

     Got some much needed errands done after work, still got more bills to take care of, but I'm saving that for tomorrow.  Also, got my girl's birthday presents bought.  My favorite part of the day was when I picked up my daughter from school and took her to the Pumpkin Patch downtown to take pictures in her costume and pick out a pumpkin to carve tomorrow.  The people there were super nice and helpful!  I got some good pictures of my girl, and even one of the two of us together.  We ended up with a pretty big pumpkin and 3 little tiny pumpkins.  I plan to carve Kai Lan and Ho ho on the pumpkin tomorrow because that is what my girl wants.  As for the 3 little guys that came home with us, I think I will let her color or paint them while I carve the big one tomorrow.

     Our day ended up at home with some chicken nuggets and some good old Phineas & Ferb.  Also, on the plus side found out the deal with knittinglitemom last night...lol...gotta love the forgetful parents is all I can say!  Got some plans for Halloween night in place now.  Been sitting here thinking about what to do tomorrow and all I can think of is taking my girl to Disney World for an early birthday present, since she would still be free & it would only be $82 plus tax for me for the day.  Might check with the parentals to see if they can help me out financially this month if I choose to go.  Going to sleep on it and see how things go in the morning before I decide.  Got nothing else to do tomorrow save cleaning house, laundry, and pumpkin carving.  Haven't heard from wba at all today, actually haven't heard from him since yesterday morning.  :(  But I expected nothing less!  Whatever!  I've pretty much had it on that front because its just getting ridiculous!  Fail week number 2 almost done!  Bring on the Saturday!

These issues pin me to the floor....they choke me like a noose

     So ever since I heard this song the other day it has been stuck in my head.  It will not leave!  I have tried to get other songs stuck in there but it hasn't worked!  These words keep running through my head, over and over again!

     Probably because it seems to fit my current mood so well.  Issues coming at me from every corner!  I am trapped by them, slowly suffocating it seems!  Plus I don't know what to do about them, if anything!

     

     With work its just the same old, same old crap!  Kids being a pain in my ass!  With regards to my family there have been health issues going on and that doesn't look like its going to get better anytime soon!  My best friends have been sick lately...so visits have been out with one of them and the other has just been feeling like crap long distance.  Found out last week that a case management conference for my divorce was set up for today with the judge and the attorneys because opposing counsel is a really stupid bitch!  (She called it by the way, not my attorney!  It was called because my attorney corrected her final judgement paper she sent us...and let me tell you there were a LOT of corrections!) 

     Then there is my own personal life, which I honestly don't know what to think or do about it!  I really don't!  I am so confused!  I am tired of being told things and/or promised things and then no follow through on it!  *Sigh!*  I really don't remember it being this hard at the beginning of a relationship!  Of course I was 18 the last time that happened, so that could be it.  But I mean how hard is it to send a text the next day after telling someone the night before that you will text them tomorrow?  Think I am just going to leave it be for the moment.  As the saying goes:  If someone wants you in their life, they will make an effort to stay in it!  Which I understand that there are a lot of issues that have been thrown at wba right now, but seriously...all I want is a text letting me know that he's okay today, or that he's feeling better or worse today...is that really too much to ask?  The last time shit went down bad he went MIA for about a month!  I assumed he just didn't want to see me anymore so I wallowed in self pity over it for a bit then focused on moving and my upcoming divorce hearing.  Then ironically, he messaged me the night of my divorce hearing, after pretty much a month of nothing.  I understand depression, I really do, but I don't think I can take it again if he just shuts me out like that.  

     If you want a relationship to work, be successful and happy, you have to let each other in to all aspects of yourself, even the dark ones that you try to keep locked away.  You can't really know each other unless you see each other from all sides, all angles.  "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" is one of my favorite quotes by Marilyn Monroe and very applicable to this situation I think.  I guess I'll just wait and see for the moment.  At least I've finally learned not to get my hopes up where wba is concerned, I've found its the best way for me not to get hurt or angry.

Escape the Fate - Issues

This is the death of me.

I feel it constantly

Just like an enemy

That wants to see me bleed

So I try to be silent while my words they explode like hand grenades

I just gotta stay calm, before I let this time bomb blow up in my face.

These issues pin me to the floor

These issues are my overlord

I feel so dominated

These issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

The hounds of hell, they cry

That’s how they get to me

Inject my head with lies

The pain’s astonishing

Like a brick or a stone, slowly crushing my bones, sending me to my grave

And it’s such a fake, this life that I’ve made, I’m going insane

These issues pin me to the floor

These issues are my overlord

I feel so dominated

These issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues

Issues, they choke me like a noose

These issues pin me to the floor

These issues are my overlord

I feel so dominated

These issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Issues, they choke me like a noose

Somebody check my brain...I think it's going to explode!

    So the epic failure that has been this week continues!  What really sucks is that I thought that it would be a really good one, but once again I was wrong and was really let down.  I really thought yesterday or today would be a turning point, but I was wrong once again.  You'd think that by now I would have learned my lesson, but I guess I was just too stupid and hopeful!  I should really fix this hope thing so I'll stop getting hurt when I don't get what I hope for.

     Now the entire thing has me pissed as hell and has given me a huge headache!  I really wish the 3 Motrin I popped earlier would kick in & make it go away!  I hate having headaches, especially those cause by stress and emotions.

     It's times like this that I really wish I had my daughter with me.  I could really use one of her hugs and a cuddle from my angel right about now along with an "I love you mommy, it's okay."  Not having her with me right now is making me cry.

     I really wish I had money to go out to a movie or something tonight instead of spending the remainder of the night at home by myself doing laundry and blogging.  Not even the piece of cake with chocolate frosting I had a little while ago is making me feel better.

     The only 2 good things to come out of this week from hell has been 1.) today I only had to work from 8am to 12pm but got paid for a full day and 2.) I discovered that I have lost another 10 pounds today.  Which creates another problem...my clothes are all too loose on me now and I have no money to buy anymore as I am barely able to make ends meet as it is.  Plus my growing girl needs clothes more than I do as she is growing bigger and doesn't have many clothes that fit.  I can do without...I've done it before I can do it again!

     I was pretty okay with yesterday until today after I got home...then everything went to shit!  I got extremely pissed off over something that I found out happened last night.  It just seemed like things were being kept from me, that I was being lied to,  and that I just wasn't worth spending time with anymore.  I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about the events of last night...are they true or are they not?  Plus add in the fact that this is the 3rd time that this almost exact same situation has occurred plus the fact that I haven't seen someone in like a week, nor spent any quality time with this someone in almost 2 weeks and you get one really pissed off bitch!

     Plus I'd been thinking since before the fail that was today occurred that I would finally get to see this someone today because it was to be an early day for us both.  Once again I was fucking wrong!  Go figure a promise was made to a friend a few days ago that just couldn't be broken.  But yet its fine to make promises to me, even simple ones such as I'll call you tomorrow or when I get home, then break them!  But yet this promise to watch a baseball game just couldn't be broken!  Wish I could get a fucking promise 3 days in advance that actually had follow through on it!  I'd have to say that 75% of the promises that have been made to me by a certain someone have failed, usually in the epic fashion.  

     I've been promised today that we'll do something tomorrow, but I'm not putting much hope into it.  I'm tired of being hurt by failed promises!  Tired of hoping and then being disappointed.  My girlfriends all say I should just say fuck it all...that this kind of drama/epic failure is happening too early in our relationship so I should just get out now.  *sigh!*  I think I'm just going to try and sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow, but I doubt sleep will come any time soon...emotions still running high and in all directions

What a day, what a day!

     What a day!  Hell!  What a fucking week!  We'll just go ahead and say epic fail for this week in all respects of life!  There's no saving it at this point!  Hoping some alcohol later will make it somewhat better, or at least make me forget about it for awhile!  Work and my personal life have both been in fail mode this week & its really starting to get to me!  At least I only have to work from 8-12 tomorrow yet still get paid for the whole day.  Not holding out much hope for the personal life this week. :(  Its been pretty much in epic fail mode since sunday....in fail mode since wednesday of last week.  No clue what to do!

     This week is even going to bleed over into next week!  The only positive is that I get to be off of work on Tuesday!  Got that absence all set up and cleared today.  The downside is I get to go to my attorney's office for a phone conference with the judge because the ex and his attorney are both idiots!  Had an in-law try and start shit over that comment, so ya know what! DELETED!!!!!  Anybody else wants to start shit over something I say, by all means, go right ahead!  That's the magic of the delete button!  It says fuck you in the simplest of terms.

Nonpoint - What a Day


Sittin' on your ass all day thinkin' about your hangover 
and the party you left your fuckin' keys at 
and had to beg for a ride from a stranger that I never met before he acted 
so friendly that I had to take the ride 
but for some reason he resembled that guy wanted for a robbery 
and beatin' on his kid "you remind me of my stepson" he chuckles with a grin. 
What was that move that they taught in self-defense 
where you block the killer's knife move with some confidence the signal 
when you're trapped inside a moving car I wonder if he'll drive real far. 
What a day, you should've stayed home shootin' the breeze all day, 
you should think next time before you start to play, 
I wonder what will happen today. 
Rub your eyes from no sleep this week tap your heels home then fall asleep. 
Sittin' around looking for a fight kinda' pissed off how I'm turnin' 
My life up-side down from insecure insecurities makin' up 
My mind through old hypocrisy up and out of harms way down 
cause I want to be there here because you want 
Me not because you're caught in My stare. 
What was that move that they taught in self-defense 
where you block the killer's knife move with some confidence the signal 
when you're trapped inside a moving car I wonder if he'll drive real far. 
What a day, you should've stayed home shootin' the breeze all day, 
you should think next time before you start to play, 
I wonder what will happen today. 
Rub your eyes from no sleep this week tap your heels home then fall asleep, 
asleep in bed you'll do something tomorrow instead. 

What the hell!

     Ever just have one of those days where you think to yourself "what the hell?"  Well that's pretty much been how my life has been going for the past week or so.  To use one of  my friends favorite words its just been absolutely "redonkulous!"

     I am just so tired of the drama and the bullshit!  It comes at me from every corner of my life!  If its not one thing, its another!  If its not this, its that!  Its just absolute craziness!  Its driving me insane!  If it doesn't get better soon I think I might need to get myself fitted for one of those fashionable white jackets with the shiny silver buckles on it I've heard so much about!

     As a high school science teacher/single mom, my life is constantly busy with one thing or another.  I love my daughter with everything that I am!  I miss her so much when she is with her dad every other week.  At first I was completely against the every other week arrangement, but I'm SLOWLY coming to terms with it because it gives me time for myself which was pretty much non-existent for me before.  I was single-momming it before I was actually single-momming it.  I got up early, got myself and my daughter ready for school, took her to school and myself to work, got off work, picked up my daughter and came home and went back to work until I crashed out.  For awhile I even had two jobs outside of the home to try and get the finances back under control, but I just couldn't do it...I was missing my little girl too much and the house was going to hell!  Plus, I was exhausted all the time and really struggling with depression that had sunk in deeply after having my daughter, but at the time I did not want to admit to it.  I finally dealt with and conquered that monster though.

     I am just ready to be legally free!  So that I can fully tackle this new life I am making for myself and my daughter...because I think its going to be great!  I have been working on bettering myself, I am a dynamic woman!  Always changing...hopefully for the better for myself and everyone.  I have some very awesome people in my life, both new and old.  Just got to get rid of all this drama and bullshit which seems to always find me somehow despite not leaving them a forwarding address!  So to quote Marilyn Monroe " Ever notice how "what the hell" is always the right answer?"  Such is my life at the moment!  But this life of mine is always changing, always shifting...I never know what will happen next!  Which can be fun and irritating all at once, but lets save that one for another day....