"For every girl with a broken heart there's a perfect guy with a glue gun."

  I'm very hoping this quote that I stole from my Jew friend holds true for me in 2011.  New year, new me, and new boyfriend (but I did get to end the year with him so he still counts as new, we started going out December14, 2010).

     Fairly happy with things so far and how things are going in general.  However, some things irritate me & I'm finding that old wounds are hard and slow to heal.  I'm trying very hard not to let past experiences color my present or my future. I want to deal with it on my own before I bring it all out in the open, because that is just the way that I am.  I have to work on problems within myself first.  I'm one of those people that you have my trust until you break it or lose it.  I haven't yet decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

     I can't stand it when someone tells me that they are going to do something & then it never happens!  This was a big issue in the past and its happened twice so far.  I was told I will talk to you later tonight for the past two nights and it never happened and no excuses were provided.  However, excuses are another huge problem for me.  I heard the same set of excuses so many times in the past that its hard to know which ones are genuine and which ones are false.  It makes things really confusing especially after everything I've been through in the past two years.  Right now I'm a little irritated and disappointed, but I'm not going to let it get to me!  I'm going to play it by ear and keep an open mind.  Everyone is fighting some kind of battle, you just have to find the one that is worth fighting for and giving your heart to!

     I am determined to just be me and take everything in stride.  Go slowly and see where the road takes me.  If I get to see the boyfriend tomorrow like he told me today things should be okay.  It hasn't helped much that I have been super stressed out the last 2 days about not having enough money to make ends meet this month.  But today, thanks to my super awesome family that problem is solved!  I no longer have to worry that I will have money to buy food and milk for my daughter (I would gladly do without for her), gas to make it to work and home each week, and utilities.

     I just don't want this relationship to fail!  I'm tired of failures!  Especially ones that were not my fault in any way, shape or form.  However, past fails still haunt the back of my mind!  But life is life, so what are you gonna do?  I really hope I've found the perfect guy with the glue gun that can fix the brokenness, accept me for me, and take an eraser to the past!

You want hope? Sorry we're pretty much out of that at the moment, please check with us tomorrow

     The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines hope as the following: "to cherish a desire with anticipation."   I am almost 100% sure that I have used up my lifetime supply of hope in the past couple of weeks.  Nothing has been worse lately than to hope for something and then not to get it.  Especially if it is something as simple as hearing from someone when they told you they would.  Is is really that hard to follow through with something as simple as "I"ll text you tomorrow ok"  or "I'll call you later."  Honestly, it takes what 30 seconds or so to send a text to someone?  Even less if you use that handy reply feature.

     So yes, as the image above says, "Hope may not be warranted at this point."  I'm so tired of hoping for things and not getting them!  Then getting either angry, upset, disappointed, or hurt over it.  I'm trying to train myself not to hope for or expect anything, especially where wba is concerned.  Because I just get end up getting disappointed, angry, upset, and hurt when what I was hoping to happen didn't happen. I'm doing much better at it!  I already decided that this week I would not be seeing him & so far that hasn't disappointed me.  Amazing huh?  Also, when I was told I'd hear from him the next day and I didn't hear anything until the end of the day after, I wasn't really mad.  I knew it would happen that way, I expected it because its happened several times before. Plus if you add in all the other broken promises, you would completely understand my anti-hope stance.  Also lets throw in the fact that knittinglitemom has kind of been in fail mode today... disappointed on that front, both for myself and my daughter, so maybe I need to stop hoping there too.  The only people who haven't failed on me lately are my mom and my sissy, who is the sister of my heart.  I miss my family so much right now!  I wish I had them here with me or that they were closer so I could just take off to visit whenever I wanted.  As it is right now, they are about a 7 hour drive away and I haven't seen them since...man I can't remember when the last time I saw them was!  That's pretty bad!.

     I just wish that wba would let me in more.  I understand the need to be alone and get yourself straight, I really do, especially when the problems involve your children and the struggles and turmoil of divorce.  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!  But somethings you just don't need to be alone for.  Somethings you just need someone there, someone real to actually listen to you, really listen & not judge.  But that's just my opinion!

     I know that therapy really helped me out when I was going through hard times.  I highly recommend it to anyone experiencing difficult times.  Sometimes you need that neutral party perspective to get yourself right again.

     I don't know how this story is going to end.  I have no idea what to do at the moment other than just sit back and wait and see what happens.  But I am done making the first effort!  That is all in his court now!  Like I said I am done hoping!  These past almost 3 weeks has taught me that...since I've only seen him 3 times during that time, 4 times if you want to count the 15 minutes from Saturday, which I don't because I was angry at the time and when I started to calm down shit started to go down which brought an end to the evening that I just knew was going to be another epic fail.