Welcome to the craziness that is my life! If you can't handle it, get out now!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Hmmmmm! What to do, what to do?

Pumpkin Patch, October 29, 2010
     Despite all the whining from students and parents at work today and the fact that I woke up last night at about 2:30 and then couldn't go back to sleep because my back was killing, it turned out to be a decent enough day.  It took 4 Motrin to finally get rid of my backache, which turned into a headache before all the pain went away.  Of course, it was Friday and payday all rolled into one! :)
     Got some much needed errands done after work, still got more bills to take care of, but I'm saving that for tomorrow.  Also, got my girl's birthday presents bought.  My favorite part of the day was when I picked up my daughter from school and took her to the Pumpkin Patch downtown to take pictures in her costume and pick out a pumpkin to carve tomorrow.  The people there were super nice and helpful!  I got some good pictures of my girl, and even one of the two of us together.  We ended up with a pretty big pumpkin and 3 little tiny pumpkins.  I plan to carve Kai Lan and Ho ho on the pumpkin tomorrow because that is what my girl wants.  As for the 3 little guys that came home with us, I think I will let her color or paint them while I carve the big one tomorrow.
     Our day ended up at home with some chicken nuggets and some good old Phineas & Ferb.  Also, on the plus side found out the deal with knittinglitemom last night...lol...gotta love the forgetful parents is all I can say!  Got some plans for Halloween night in place now.  Been sitting here thinking about what to do tomorrow and all I can think of is taking my girl to Disney World for an early birthday present, since she would still be free & it would only be $82 plus tax for me for the day.  Might check with the parentals to see if they can help me out financially this month if I choose to go.  Going to sleep on it and see how things go in the morning before I decide.  Got nothing else to do tomorrow save cleaning house, laundry, and pumpkin carving.  Haven't heard from wba at all today, actually haven't heard from him since yesterday morning.  :(  But I expected nothing less!  Whatever!  I've pretty much had it on that front because its just getting ridiculous!  Fail week number 2 almost done!  Bring on the Saturday!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

You want hope? Sorry we're pretty much out of that at the moment, please check with us tomorrow

     The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines hope as the following: "to cherish a desire with anticipation."   I am almost 100% sure that I have used up my lifetime supply of hope in the past couple of weeks.  Nothing has been worse lately than to hope for something and then not to get it.  Especially if it is something as simple as hearing from someone when they told you they would.  Is is really that hard to follow through with something as simple as "I"ll text you tomorrow ok"  or "I'll call you later."  Honestly, it takes what 30 seconds or so to send a text to someone?  Even less if you use that handy reply feature.
     So yes, as the image above says, "Hope may not be warranted at this point."  I'm so tired of hoping for things and not getting them!  Then getting either angry, upset, disappointed, or hurt over it.  I'm trying to train myself not to hope for or expect anything, especially where wba is concerned.  Because I just get end up getting disappointed, angry, upset, and hurt when what I was hoping to happen didn't happen. I'm doing much better at it!  I already decided that this week I would not be seeing him & so far that hasn't disappointed me.  Amazing huh?  Also, when I was told I'd hear from him the next day and I didn't hear anything until the end of the day after, I wasn't really mad.  I knew it would happen that way, I expected it because its happened several times before. Plus if you add in all the other broken promises, you would completely understand my anti-hope stance.  Also lets throw in the fact that knittinglitemom has kind of been in fail mode today... disappointed on that front, both for myself and my daughter, so maybe I need to stop hoping there too.  The only people who haven't failed on me lately are my mom and my sissy, who is the sister of my heart.  I miss my family so much right now!  I wish I had them here with me or that they were closer so I could just take off to visit whenever I wanted.  As it is right now, they are about a 7 hour drive away and I haven't seen them since...man I can't remember when the last time I saw them was!  That's pretty bad!.
     I just wish that wba would let me in more.  I understand the need to be alone and get yourself straight, I really do, especially when the problems involve your children and the struggles and turmoil of divorce.  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!  But somethings you just don't need to be alone for.  Somethings you just need someone there, someone real to actually listen to you, really listen & not judge.  But that's just my opinion!
     I know that therapy really helped me out when I was going through hard times.  I highly recommend it to anyone experiencing difficult times.  Sometimes you need that neutral party perspective to get yourself right again.
     I don't know how this story is going to end.  I have no idea what to do at the moment other than just sit back and wait and see what happens.  But I am done making the first effort!  That is all in his court now!  Like I said I am done hoping!  These past almost 3 weeks has taught me that...since I've only seen him 3 times during that time, 4 times if you want to count the 15 minutes from Saturday, which I don't because I was angry at the time and when I started to calm down shit started to go down which brought an end to the evening that I just knew was going to be another epic fail.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

These issues pin me to the floor....they choke me like a noose

     So ever since I heard this song the other day it has been stuck in my head.  It will not leave!  I have tried to get other songs stuck in there but it hasn't worked!  These words keep running through my head, over and over again!

     Probably because it seems to fit my current mood so well.  Issues coming at me from every corner!  I am trapped by them, slowly suffocating it seems!  Plus I don't know what to do about them, if anything!
     With work its just the same old, same old crap!  Kids being a pain in my ass!  With regards to my family there have been health issues going on and that doesn't look like its going to get better anytime soon!  My best friends have been sick lately...so visits have been out with one of them and the other has just been feeling like crap long distance.  Found out last week that a case management conference for my divorce was set up for today with the judge and the attorneys because opposing counsel is a really stupid bitch!  (She called it by the way, not my attorney!  It was called because my attorney corrected her final judgement paper she sent us...and let me tell you there were a LOT of corrections!) 
     Then there is my own personal life, which I honestly don't know what to think or do about it!  I really don't!  I am so confused!  I am tired of being told things and/or promised things and then no follow through on it!  *Sigh!*  I really don't remember it being this hard at the beginning of a relationship!  Of course I was 18 the last time that happened, so that could be it.  But I mean how hard is it to send a text the next day after telling someone the night before that you will text them tomorrow?  Think I am just going to leave it be for the moment.  As the saying goes:  If someone wants you in their life, they will make an effort to stay in it!  Which I understand that there are a lot of issues that have been thrown at wba right now, but seriously...all I want is a text letting me know that he's okay today, or that he's feeling better or worse today...is that really too much to ask?  The last time shit went down bad he went MIA for about a month!  I assumed he just didn't want to see me anymore so I wallowed in self pity over it for a bit then focused on moving and my upcoming divorce hearing.  Then ironically, he messaged me the night of my divorce hearing, after pretty much a month of nothing.  I understand depression, I really do, but I don't think I can take it again if he just shuts me out like that.  
     If you want a relationship to work, be successful and happy, you have to let each other in to all aspects of yourself, even the dark ones that you try to keep locked away.  You can't really know each other unless you see each other from all sides, all angles.  "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" is one of my favorite quotes by Marilyn Monroe and very applicable to this situation I think.  I guess I'll just wait and see for the moment.  At least I've finally learned not to get my hopes up where wba is concerned, I've found its the best way for me not to get hurt or angry.
Escape the Fate - Issues
This is the death of me.
I feel it constantly
Just like an enemy
That wants to see me bleed
So I try to be silent while my words they explode like hand grenades
I just gotta stay calm, before I let this time bomb blow up in my face.

These issues pin me to the floor
These issues are my overlord
I feel so dominated
These issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose

The hounds of hell, they cry
That’s how they get to me
Inject my head with lies
The pain’s astonishing
Like a brick or a stone, slowly crushing my bones, sending me to my grave
And it’s such a fake, this life that I’ve made, I’m going insane

These issues pin me to the floor
These issues are my overlord
I feel so dominated
These issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose

These issues pin me to the floor
These issues are my overlord
I feel so dominated
These issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose
Issues, they choke me like a noose

Monday, October 25, 2010

You bring the duct tape, I've got the shovels and plenty of places to hide the bodies!

     The shear audacity and stupidity of some people never ceases to amaze me!  I mean really!  You are a parent! Grow the fuck up and be responsible!  When you become a parent, your life is not your own anymore.  There is a little boy or girl that is totally dependent on you for everything.  Every decision you make affects the child!  When a child is in the picture you can pretty much kiss your life goodbye for the next 18 years.

     Children subject to a divorce between the parents have an especially difficult time.  Some people use them as pawns, others use them as bargaining chips, financial or otherwise, while some just don't give a shit!  It is the children who end up suffering the most, along with the better parent in the relationship, whether it be the mother or the father.  

     What also amazes me is the fact that when infidelity is involved in the relationship/marriage, which lead to the end of said relationship/marriage, when the person who was not unfaithful finally moves on and starts dating again all hell seems to break loose in one way or another!  Most likely because these cheating individuals with no morals don't think the other person is capable of moving on.  Whats good for one is good for the other I say!  If you are one of the unfaithful, you do not have the right to fucking judge the other person when they finally find someone to be with!  Who the fuck are you to judge anyway?  You're the piece of shit that cheated, destroyed a relationship and/or family (or in some cases families), and left!  You have no say in the matter!  And for you to pull some bullshit when the good parent moves on with someone who is a much better person/parent than you ever were or could ever hope to be?  Pffft!  You are a moron!  You should be eliminated from the gene pool!
     Also, who are you to assume that the person you left has no life?  Are you kidding me?  Just because you ripped someone apart doesn't mean they will be broken forever, or for long.  So, to all you bitches, bastards, and assholes in general out there I leave you with the following: 1. Mind your own fucking business.  2. Be a good parent or don't be a parent at all.  3. Stop with the fucking drama, bullshit and lies. 4.  Grow the fuck up or prepare to meet Jesus, or as will most likely be the case, the other guy, on my terms!!!!!!  I've got friends, duct tape, shovels, and I know how not to leave behind any evidence!  Your choice!  Choose wisely!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The modern day American family...not what it used to be!

     I remember when I was growing up that the dream for the perfect American family consisted of two loving parents, 2.5 children, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence.  Nowadays this dream no longer exists!
      So I decided to do some research into the modern American family and its make-up.  I found the following statistics on a website, can't remember which one, so I apologize for not giving credit where credit is due.
     Divorce rate in America for first marriage: 50%
     Divorce rate in America for second marriage: 67%
     Divorce rate in
America for third marriage: 74%

     But stats of 2008 shows that divorce rates are falling as more and more people are choosing to marry later.

     Any amount of college decreases the chance of divorce by 13 percent
     An income over $50,000 decreases the chance of divorce by 30 percent
     Couples with an income under $25,000 have a 50 percent chance of ending up getting divorced.

     As far as the number of children nowadays, approximately 62% of married couples do not have any children. Americans are also choosing to marry later in life than before.  For women the average age for a first marriage is about 25 years of age.  For men, the average age for a first marriage is higher, 28 years of age.  I myself married at the age of 22, my spouse was 20.  I was 26 when my daughter was born.
     The high divorce rate in America leads to the modern day American family in which children grow up in 2 separate homes and even 2 separate families. I'd really like to know what happened to the American dream of the perfect family life.  
        As far as my own divorce goes, the reasons for it are more than just one.  I was happy for awhile, but then things changed.  The honeymoon ended you could say.  About a little more than a year into it I found myself questioning my choice to marry.  That feeling only increased over the next few years.  At one point I found myself searching out divorce information and lawyers because I was so unhappy and tired of all the bullshit.  But I talked myself into sticking it out because I didn't want my marriage to end up like my parents marriage or like my in-laws marriage.  I wanted that shit to end with them!  So despite all the fights, which were mainly about money, drug/alcohol use, preferring to spend time with friends rather than at home with me, and really stupid behavior on my spouses part, I chose to stick it out.  Then when I found out I was pregnant, I felt that I had no choice in the matter.
I so want one of these when me &
my girlfriends have our divorce
     A year & a half after my daughter was born, the shit hit the fan and it was all over.  At first I wanted to fix it because of my daughter, but then I woke up and realized that this was for the better.  I could not be with someone like that, someone who had no morals.  I deserved better than that!  I was worth more than that!  The one thing he said he would never do, he did.  The one thing that I could never forgive or live with.  I was so convinced during my marriage and for a time after it ended that I could not do any better, which was also part of the reason that I held onto it for longer than I should.  It amazes me how one spouse can convince the other that they are the best they could ever get.  I'm not the only one to experience this phenomenon either.  One of my best friends that I will just call knittinglitemom was also brainwashed into thinking the exact same thing by her spouse.  
     But wonder of wonders she & I both came to the realization that our exes were so full of shit it was pathetic.  We have both found people so much better than what we had before.  However, if we had to do everything all over again we would do it the same way because we got the most awesome children out of it all.  Apparently that was what was meant to be out of both of our marriages.  Knittinglitemom helped me through some hard times.  I'm very glad to have met her and to have her in my life.  She is truly an amazing woman, mom, and friend. :)  
       Now, its not only men that can fuck a marriage up.  Women can also be the cause and the results seem to be even more messed up when this is the case.  Of course this is just my own personal opinion based on what I know from the men in my life that are going/gone through the process.  In bamfio's case, his spouse cheated on him and completely walked out on their two adorable little girls.  I could never ever ever ever ever ever do that to my little girl!  I don't understand how a woman could do something like that!  I really don't!  These little girls are just super amazing!  It's a good thing they have an amazing dad in their lives.  On a positive note, now the mom is starting to try and be a part of their lives.  I hope it turns out well for everyone involved.
      The worst divorce related scenario I know of has to be that of wba's.  This situation is so beyond fucked up!  There are really just no words to describe it!  I've known wba since mid-June and we've been seriously seeing one another for a little over 2 months.  He is an awesome father even though he does not get to see his son as often as he would like.  He calls his son everyday He's been told by the ex and his mother-in-law that his son is not really his both to his face and in the divorce papers that he was served with, which is absolute bullshit in my opinion.  You only have to look at him and his son together!  His father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer earlier in the year.  So rather than be a dick about it, he let his ex pretty much have their son for the entire duration of his illness.  This way they son and grandfather could have as much time as possible together, which was a very awesome thing to do.  Now, lets add an illicit affair to the mix.  Not from the ex, even though that did occur during the marriage.  I'm talking about an affair between wba's boss and his mother-in-law while her husband was dying.  After his death about a month ago that affair really took off.  How fucked up is that? I mean seriously what the hell is wrong with these people?  Add to that the fact that the ex told a major fucking lie to wba last night, which he caught her in BIG TIME!!!  The child was not where he was told he was.  He was in the one place he absolutely did not want him to be...at the boss's with the mother-in-law.  To top that off, when he finally got hold of his ex on the phone she sounded completely fucked up, strung out on drugs fucked up.  Thus shit really hit the fan last night and shattered it!  Thus nothing could be done save finding out for sure and getting his son out of where he was at.  Which I do not fault him for 1 bit.  Your children have to come first!!!!  ALWAYS!!!  He finds the ex, and she was completely stoned out of her mind and on her way to a hotel room.  So once he discovered that, he knew he had to get his son away from it.  What's really messed up is that he had always said and believed that she was a good mother.       
     Never in a million years did he expect something like that to occur.  So the cops were called and he goes to his bosses house to wait for the cops.  It did not end well either.  Because of a locked fucking gate, the cops could not go in and get his son.  How fucked up is that?  A locked gate?  Are you kidding me?  That is absolute bullshit!!!  So now because the ex is a complete bitch and there are no court orders for visitation yet, he will probably not get to see his son until who knows when!  Plus since his boss is involved, there is now a high possibility that he could be fired tomorrow.  So now wba is in a very bad place.  Which makes me very sad.  I am just hoping that he is sleeping right now like he said he was going to do and that he is not still contemplating doing something that would be extremely stupid to do right now in the mood that he is in.  Regardless, he needs his son as much as his son needs him.  The same goes for all children and their parents.  The only exception would have to be that of the unfit parent.  Man!  This took me so long to get out!  I am so hoping that things improve for wba.  I want him to be happy.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Somebody check my brain...I think it's going to explode!

    So the epic failure that has been this week continues!  What really sucks is that I thought that it would be a really good one, but once again I was wrong and was really let down.  I really thought yesterday or today would be a turning point, but I was wrong once again.  You'd think that by now I would have learned my lesson, but I guess I was just too stupid and hopeful!  I should really fix this hope thing so I'll stop getting hurt when I don't get what I hope for.
     Now the entire thing has me pissed as hell and has given me a huge headache!  I really wish the 3 Motrin I popped earlier would kick in & make it go away!  I hate having headaches, especially those cause by stress and emotions.
     It's times like this that I really wish I had my daughter with me.  I could really use one of her hugs and a cuddle from my angel right about now along with an "I love you mommy, it's okay."  Not having her with me right now is making me cry.
     I really wish I had money to go out to a movie or something tonight instead of spending the remainder of the night at home by myself doing laundry and blogging.  Not even the piece of cake with chocolate frosting I had a little while ago is making me feel better.
     The only 2 good things to come out of this week from hell has been 1.) today I only had to work from 8am to 12pm but got paid for a full day and 2.) I discovered that I have lost another 10 pounds today.  Which creates another problem...my clothes are all too loose on me now and I have no money to buy anymore as I am barely able to make ends meet as it is.  Plus my growing girl needs clothes more than I do as she is growing bigger and doesn't have many clothes that fit.  I can do without...I've done it before I can do it again!
     I was pretty okay with yesterday until today after I got home...then everything went to shit!  I got extremely pissed off over something that I found out happened last night.  It just seemed like things were being kept from me, that I was being lied to,  and that I just wasn't worth spending time with anymore.  I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about the events of last night...are they true or are they not?  Plus add in the fact that this is the 3rd time that this almost exact same situation has occurred plus the fact that I haven't seen someone in like a week, nor spent any quality time with this someone in almost 2 weeks and you get one really pissed off bitch!
     Plus I'd been thinking since before the fail that was today occurred that I would finally get to see this someone today because it was to be an early day for us both.  Once again I was fucking wrong!  Go figure a promise was made to a friend a few days ago that just couldn't be broken.  But yet its fine to make promises to me, even simple ones such as I'll call you tomorrow or when I get home, then break them!  But yet this promise to watch a baseball game just couldn't be broken!  Wish I could get a fucking promise 3 days in advance that actually had follow through on it!  I'd have to say that 75% of the promises that have been made to me by a certain someone have failed, usually in the epic fashion.  
     I've been promised today that we'll do something tomorrow, but I'm not putting much hope into it.  I'm tired of being hurt by failed promises!  Tired of hoping and then being disappointed.  My girlfriends all say I should just say fuck it all...that this kind of drama/epic failure is happening too early in our relationship so I should just get out now.  *sigh!*  I think I'm just going to try and sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow, but I doubt sleep will come any time soon...emotions still running high and in all directions

Thursday, October 21, 2010

What a day, what a day!

     What a day!  Hell!  What a fucking week!  We'll just go ahead and say epic fail for this week in all respects of life!  There's no saving it at this point!  Hoping some alcohol later will make it somewhat better, or at least make me forget about it for awhile!  Work and my personal life have both been in fail mode this week & its really starting to get to me!  At least I only have to work from 8-12 tomorrow yet still get paid for the whole day.  Not holding out much hope for the personal life this week. :(  Its been pretty much in epic fail mode since sunday....in fail mode since wednesday of last week.  No clue what to do!
     This week is even going to bleed over into next week!  The only positive is that I get to be off of work on Tuesday!  Got that absence all set up and cleared today.  The downside is I get to go to my attorney's office for a phone conference with the judge because the ex and his attorney are both idiots!  Had an in-law try and start shit over that comment, so ya know what! DELETED!!!!!  Anybody else wants to start shit over something I say, by all means, go right ahead!  That's the magic of the delete button!  It says fuck you in the simplest of terms.

Nonpoint - What a Day

Sittin' on your ass all day thinkin' about your hangover 
and the party you left your fuckin' keys at 
and had to beg for a ride from a stranger that I never met before he acted 
so friendly that I had to take the ride 
but for some reason he resembled that guy wanted for a robbery 
and beatin' on his kid "you remind me of my stepson" he chuckles with a grin. 
What was that move that they taught in self-defense 
where you block the killer's knife move with some confidence the signal 
when you're trapped inside a moving car I wonder if he'll drive real far. 
What a day, you should've stayed home shootin' the breeze all day, 
you should think next time before you start to play, 
I wonder what will happen today. 
Rub your eyes from no sleep this week tap your heels home then fall asleep. 
Sittin' around looking for a fight kinda' pissed off how I'm turnin' 
My life up-side down from insecure insecurities makin' up 
My mind through old hypocrisy up and out of harms way down 
cause I want to be there here because you want 
Me not because you're caught in My stare. 
What was that move that they taught in self-defense 
where you block the killer's knife move with some confidence the signal 
when you're trapped inside a moving car I wonder if he'll drive real far. 
What a day, you should've stayed home shootin' the breeze all day, 
you should think next time before you start to play, 
I wonder what will happen today. 
Rub your eyes from no sleep this week tap your heels home then fall asleep, 
asleep in bed you'll do something tomorrow instead. 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Sometimes we have to decide if we're turning the page or closing the entire book!

To turn the page or close the book?
That is the question.
  An individual can only take so much before they just loose it and crack!  Or just say fuck it and move on!  Even if the situation/circumstance is legitimate and not really anyones fault.  I stole the title for this from one of my friends because it very much describes my state of mind at the moment.
     Should I turn the page and see where the story goes?  Or is the story at a point that is beyond redemption, so the book should just be closed and put on the shelf of my memory?  I honestly can not decide what to do with this book!  Its interesting and definitely not boring, a fun exciting read for the most part.  The downside is that its extremely hard to find time to read this book!  If its not one thing, its another!  If it was a movie it would be on pause or a crazy psychotic ground hog day loop!  You can only read/watch the same thing so many times before it starts driving you insane no matter how good the rest of the storyline is.
     You can only ask/hope for something for so long before you just give up asking/trying.  Relationships will ultimately fail if they are one-sided, this applies to both friends and significant others.  If someone wants to be a part of your life, especially a significant part, they need to make an effort to stay in it!  They need to do what it takes to get rid of the same old scene.  Neither of you can be truly happy reading the same thing over and over, day after day, night after night.  Somehow, someway it needs to be fixed.  And quickly!  The story needs to continue!  Otherwise its time to close the fucking book!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Up, down, up, down, up, down.....I think I'm gonna puke!

    I am so tired of feeling like I'm on a roller coaster!  I was down for so long in my life that when I got back up I had no idea what to do with myself.  Happiness was a foreign thing to me at that point because it had been absent from my life for so long.
     I spent most of my teenage years very depressed.  Didn't talk about it with anyone, just dealt with it by avoiding it or doing stupid shit.  I thought I had found true happiness toward the end of my teenage years, so up, went the roller coaster, slowly but surely. I was happy for a few years, no sadness or pain, even though I had ripped my family apart and lost some friends in the process.  But, it was my decision, everything has been my decision.  I am who I am because of each and every choice that I made in my life.  If I had to do it all over again knowing what it would cost me in the future, I would do everything the same because I have a beautiful, amazing little girl who is the light of my life out of it.
  I finally realized that I couldn't deal with my problems alone.  The roller coaster was as far down as it could go!  It was very much out of order at that point.  So I got help so that I could become a better person for myself and for my daughter.  I was never really one to talk about anything to anyone.  Always the quiet, shy, reserved person.  But I discovered that I had some truly amazing friends and family members in my life who wanted to be there for me, would listen to me bitch and complain, hold me when I cried, and just loved me for me.  Three months of therapy and a lot of antidepressants also helped as well.  For awhile things were very, very bad indeed!  Then I had an epiphany you could say.  I realized how much better off I was and I found my long lost self esteem (which had been missing since elementary school, despite the reward posters for its safe and quick return).
   So the roller coaster started creeping up the tracks again.  I was happy with myself and my life.  I finally got to a point where I was able to slowly take myself off the antidepressants, which took awhile since I was on the maximum dose.  I've been off of them for a few months now, and most of the time the roller coaster is up, working perfectly.  But sometimes, shit just happens and the roller coaster goes into a really bad downward spiral that I can't seem to stop.
     Here lately that roller coaster has just been going absolutely crazy!  Up, up up, down, down, down, down, down.  Pass, fail, epic fail, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass EPIC FUCKING FAIL...what the fuck????  Its driving me crazy and I don't know what to do about it at this point.  Should I stay on the ride and see where it goes like most of myself is saying?  Or should I just say fuck it and slam on the breaks and get the hell off?  I just don't know.  I guess for now I will stay on the ride and see where it takes me...if I can ever get it going again that is!  Very close to epic fucking fail at this point, but hoping it will get better.  Guess I got really spoiled by the awesome time I had there for over a week.  For now, just gonna let it ride!

Monday, October 18, 2010

What the hell!

     Ever just have one of those days where you think to yourself "what the hell?"  Well that's pretty much been how my life has been going for the past week or so.  To use one of  my friends favorite words its just been absolutely "redonkulous!"

     I am just so tired of the drama and the bullshit!  It comes at me from every corner of my life!  If its not one thing, its another!  If its not this, its that!  Its just absolute craziness!  Its driving me insane!  If it doesn't get better soon I think I might need to get myself fitted for one of those fashionable white jackets with the shiny silver buckles on it I've heard so much about!

     As a high school science teacher/single mom, my life is constantly busy with one thing or another.  I love my daughter with everything that I am!  I miss her so much when she is with her dad every other week.  At first I was completely against the every other week arrangement, but I'm SLOWLY coming to terms with it because it gives me time for myself which was pretty much non-existent for me before.  I was single-momming it before I was actually single-momming it.  I got up early, got myself and my daughter ready for school, took her to school and myself to work, got off work, picked up my daughter and came home and went back to work until I crashed out.  For awhile I even had two jobs outside of the home to try and get the finances back under control, but I just couldn't do it...I was missing my little girl too much and the house was going to hell!  Plus, I was exhausted all the time and really struggling with depression that had sunk in deeply after having my daughter, but at the time I did not want to admit to it.  I finally dealt with and conquered that monster though.

     I am just ready to be legally free!  So that I can fully tackle this new life I am making for myself and my daughter...because I think its going to be great!  I have been working on bettering myself, I am a dynamic woman!  Always changing...hopefully for the better for myself and everyone.  I have some very awesome people in my life, both new and old.  Just got to get rid of all this drama and bullshit which seems to always find me somehow despite not leaving them a forwarding address!  So to quote Marilyn Monroe " Ever notice how "what the hell" is always the right answer?"  Such is my life at the moment!  But this life of mine is always changing, always shifting...I never know what will happen next!  Which can be fun and irritating all at once, but lets save that one for another day....