"For every girl with a broken heart there's a perfect guy with a glue gun."

  I'm very hoping this quote that I stole from my Jew friend holds true for me in 2011.  New year, new me, and new boyfriend (but I did get to end the year with him so he still counts as new, we started going out December14, 2010).

     Fairly happy with things so far and how things are going in general.  However, some things irritate me & I'm finding that old wounds are hard and slow to heal.  I'm trying very hard not to let past experiences color my present or my future. I want to deal with it on my own before I bring it all out in the open, because that is just the way that I am.  I have to work on problems within myself first.  I'm one of those people that you have my trust until you break it or lose it.  I haven't yet decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

     I can't stand it when someone tells me that they are going to do something & then it never happens!  This was a big issue in the past and its happened twice so far.  I was told I will talk to you later tonight for the past two nights and it never happened and no excuses were provided.  However, excuses are another huge problem for me.  I heard the same set of excuses so many times in the past that its hard to know which ones are genuine and which ones are false.  It makes things really confusing especially after everything I've been through in the past two years.  Right now I'm a little irritated and disappointed, but I'm not going to let it get to me!  I'm going to play it by ear and keep an open mind.  Everyone is fighting some kind of battle, you just have to find the one that is worth fighting for and giving your heart to!

     I am determined to just be me and take everything in stride.  Go slowly and see where the road takes me.  If I get to see the boyfriend tomorrow like he told me today things should be okay.  It hasn't helped much that I have been super stressed out the last 2 days about not having enough money to make ends meet this month.  But today, thanks to my super awesome family that problem is solved!  I no longer have to worry that I will have money to buy food and milk for my daughter (I would gladly do without for her), gas to make it to work and home each week, and utilities.

     I just don't want this relationship to fail!  I'm tired of failures!  Especially ones that were not my fault in any way, shape or form.  However, past fails still haunt the back of my mind!  But life is life, so what are you gonna do?  I really hope I've found the perfect guy with the glue gun that can fix the brokenness, accept me for me, and take an eraser to the past!

Coffee! You can sleep when you're dead!

Dear Laundry,
I hate you!
Love, Me

     Today ended up being a really great day!  Got the house pretty much cleaned up and all the clean laundry put away.  That in itself was amazing because that is my least favorite chore to do EVER!!!  All that I have left to do is put the Christmas stuff back in the closets and clean the lil monster's room, but I'm saving that for later today. ;)  Didn't get around to much crocheting which made me kind of sad because it was my last day of Christmas vacation and I spent most of it cleaning.

     Took a nice relaxing bubble bath while my munchkin was being good.  She didn't want to take a nap today, which was very disappointing at first, but then I thought to myself, hey this means she'll go to bed early tonight! NOPE!!!  She stayed up till almost 10!  But it was all good, she really liked playing with the boyfriend and he's really good with her.  She drug him to her room to show off her new Dora bed tent that she's so proud of!  She made him soup, made him read her read-to me princess book on her IXL game (her "video" as she calls it lol), danced and sang the Candace's Busted Song from Phineas & Ferb, and of course jumped and crawled all over him.  All of this without a nap today!  It was insane!!!  Man if only I had a tenth of that energy!  She finally literally passed out on the couch near the end of Blade II lol.  So I got to have the boyfriend to myself for a little bit!  He gets the joy of figuring out where an exhaust leak is in the '68 in the morning so he left at about 11:30 because its going to be a long day for him.  Luckily he only lives less than 10 minutes from me, 5 when he drives lol!  Good thing he's a good driver huh?  How weird is it that we met online and that we live so close to one another?  I still can't get over it!

I so want this poster for my classroom!

   Alas, despite the business of my day I am now wide awake and unable to sleep!  Thankfully I don't have to be at work until 8 and then its breakfast and a boring meeting, so I can zone out until my coffee kicks in.  The saying on this image is going to be my motto for the day ahead!  Its going to take a lot of coffee to keep me going on the first day back at work after Christmas vacation!  One of my nurse or doctor friends or Mr. Chemistry Wiz BWM seriously needs to develop & perfect the coffee IV delivery system.  Maybe something like an insulin pump would work! :)  Can you tell that I need some sleep?  I knew it was going to happen as soon as the boyfriend left too!  I was so sleepy and comfortable curled up with him on the couch watching the movie, then I was wide awake, and I'm still wide awake!  As evidenced by this blog and the apparent rambling nature of it!  And now Blade Trinity is off and I am still nowhere near sleepy!  I blame the boyfriend!  It's all his fault! ;)

     *Sigh!*  I think I'm going to go curl up in bed and crochet for a bit.  I've started an afghan for my grandmother with the yarn I bought at the after Christmas sale at Michael's.  (Another Christmas gift that I bought for myself lol!)  I have a serious love/hate relationship with that store!  I love all the stuff, but I hate how much I spend when I go in there!  I spent like $55 on yarn and got 18 rolls of the really good soft yarn that usually sells for $6 a roll.  The afghan is the biggest project I've undertaken so far and its in a ripple striped  pattern that I have modified a bit from the original pattern.  Now that I am really happy again I will probably try to include my crochet stuff in blog posts on here!  Before my blog was mainly a way for me to vent, but now I have found happiness! <3

     

Where did the time go?

     So it has been awhile since I have posted anything, but it seems like it was just yesterday.  The holiday season and life in general have been keeping me busy since Thanksgiving.  Things have changed since my last post.  I am now legally divorced, even though in my heart I have been divorced since August of 2009.  I am now definitely in a relationship with a wonderful guy & things are going really good for us!  He scored friend approval with my friends and I have scored friend approval with 2 of his friends.  I am happy that I got to end 2010 and start 2011 with him.

     Christmas was hard this year because it was the first Christmas I'd ever spent completely alone.  My daughter was at her dad's, the boyfriend was on a cruise with his family, and I had no money to go home to Alabama.  I stayed home, cleaned up, crocheted, and pampered myself.  But I missed my family like crazy!  My girl and I did our Christmas early this year and boy did she rake in the presents!  The boyfriend gave me an awesome zippo for Christmas...I didn't think that we would be doing presents because we had just started dating and he was going to be gone for Christmas, so needless to say there was a mad last minute dash to find a present! But Shhhh! Don't tell anyone! ;)  My mother-in-law, Fay (yes I will always claim her as a second mom because she is awesome and has been there for me through thick and thin), gave me money for Christmas so that I wouldn't do without.  So on Christmas Eve I went shopping for myself!  I got some new tennis shoes (my old ones literally fell apart, I really wanted new boots though), a new shirt, a new dress, a new red nightgown, and some Bath & Body Works stuff.

     If you haven't figured it out by now, I am a very happy girl!  That is what I want my 2011 to be filled with, happiness!

     

Guess I'm never gonna learn...oh wait! Now I have!

     I've come to the conclusion that I'm never honestly 100% going to learn my lesson where wba is concerned.  I've held my tongue about being pushed away.  I put on my indifferent face when I got to see him for about 10 minutes last Saturday.  I even took my sweet time heading to the store in hopes that he would already be gone, but that didn't happen.  I almost died from shock that I actually heard from him outside of work that day!  So he said things were really settling down & that he would call me this week.  I told him I was going out of town for the week, leaving on Monday.  When asked when I would be back I told him Saturday.  He said for me to call him when I got back.  I in turn told him he could text me if he wanted.

     We texted pretty much the entire time I was out of town...even got to hear from him outside of work!!!  SHOCKER!!!!  Then it turns out that things had gotten better to the point that he felt comfortable letting his ex take their son to Alabama for Thanksgiving...leaving on Wednesday and coming back on Sunday.  He asked me at least 2 times during the week when I would be back.  Told me how much he missed me and that he was lonely because his son was gone and he had no real family to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with.  Stupid me felt so bad for him and assumed that I would get to see him when I got back home on Saturday.  Even toyed with the idea of going ahead and leaving on Friday instead just so I could see him.  Good thing I didn't even though my plans for Friday fell through and I could have went ahead and headed back home.  Here it is, Saturday night about 9 pm...I got home at about 5 pm and he was the first one that I texted to say that I was back.  I got one reply and that was it!  I mean WTF!!!!!!!  Seriously?  I'm home and now fucking nothing????  I'm back in town and apparently now I'm not good enough to have anything to do with?  And he made plans to go on the lake with a friend tomorrow...one that he went out with Wednesday.  Guess I know where I rank now!  Guess going wakeboarding is more important!  I know you haven't been in forever, but you haven's seen me in forever either.  Thanks so much for that by the way!  So I hurried home for nothing!  Came home to nothing because I'm fucking stupid!  I could have slept in, spent more time with my family, etc.  But NOOOOOO!  I got up at 5:30 am so I could get everything loaded and myself ready to go before my daughter woke up.  I even woke her up before she was ready to get up just so I could get back and spend time with him.

     I kind of wish I would have listened to my cousin and done what she told me to do while I was in Andalusia!  But at that point I thought things were going to be better and things were going better.

     Also, something odd on his Facebook...unless I'm crazy all the status updates that he posted this week have been removed along with their comments.  Now his status is just ".".  I got nothing!  So whatever!  (Actually, I just went and looked and pretty much all status updates since the drama started have been deleted!  makes no sense, but whatever!)

     Now hope is dead, everything is dead!  I can't do this anymore!  I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter!  It's not worth the hurt anymore, and there's been a LOT of hurt on my end since we met.  I'm just fucking done! I hope one of my friends is smart enough to beat my ass if I give this person another chance. 

I'm sorry but the number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please hang up and don't try your call again!

     "Girls are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you're disconnected. Guys are like buses. If you miss that one, another will be along soon."~S.M.

     How true this statement is!  And how sad also.  I'm very much trying to be as "disconnected" as possible.  I can't be a complete bitch and ignore someone, so responding with a short simple "I know" was all I did.  It's more than what this person deserved!  Nothing for like a week and then something.  WHATEVER!  I probably would not have responded at all had this person not just had surgery, not a major surgery mind you, but a surgery all the same.

     What amazes me is that since I have decided that I am done, other "buses" are trying to come along.  But I don't think that these "buses" want anything serious or potentially long term like I do, like I thought I was working on with wba.  They seem to only want to make a quick bus stop and I am not having any of that!  I did the rebound guy thing and was ready to try and find something real, something special.  I thought I had it, but I guess I was just a bus stop after all!

     I can't wait until my daughter comes home tomorrow night!  Two more sleeps until I get to get the hell out of here and see my family!

Some very sad, hard life lessons

  As of late my friends have provided me with a wealth of inspiration to write about, which is a good thing because writing helps me to put everything in perspective.  I am officially done with the relationship that I thought I was in...but that's just my opinion.  I haven't heard from the other party since last Friday and that was just a one word response to my text that I was off work while he was not.  There was a Facebook status update on Monday, but nothing sent my way.  So yeah, whatever, I'm done!  Goodbye!

    

     The following are lessons posted by friends that very much apply to me at the moment:

     1.  "Men are like commercials: sounds good but you know its false advertisement." ~CRH.  Yeah, this one sounded really good.  Single dad, loves his son, active, same kind of music & movies, good job, great to talk to spend time with, etc.  But no follow through on promises, pushing me away when things get complicated...false advertisement!  Relationships have to have these things in addition to much more to make them work and be successful and maybe develop into something more.

     2.  "If you hear words saying one thing, but the actions show another, chances are you're being lied to." ~ JM.  How very true this statement is right now!  The words said "I still want to see you"  but the actions, which have been NOTHING nullify the words that were said.  Plus add to this the fact that when he started talking to me after the drama & the week of nothingness it was only while he was at work...never when he was at home.  Can you say suspicious & weird?  Makes me think that he was not staying at his place, but elsewhere or somewhere where he couldn't talk to me for some reason.  Oh well!  His loss!  I deserve better and will have better as soon as I find it or it finds me.  What really sucks is that I really thought that he was my better...guess I still have a lot to learn!  Damn me for getting into a relationship & marriage early in life!  Had I dated more I doubt I would be having such problems!

     3.  "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."~ JM.  I thought for a while that I was on my way to falling in love.  There was a lot of like admitted to on both sides.  Then shit just started happening until everything just kind of fell apart.  No fault on my end on this one! Its all him!  I tried to keep communication open!  But I was ignored and let go apparently.  Not sure how I feel about this lesson on life yet...Can one like until it hurts?  Ready for the hurt to be over!  I'm keeping busy as much as possible so that I don't have time to think about it  But late at night before bed my mind wanders and the sadness hits, sometimes tears fall for what might have been or what I thought was there.  Things will get better for me, just probably not as soon as I would like.

     Thankfully, next week is vacation time for me and Alyssa and I are going to see family and friends in Alabama.  I miss them terribly!  Plus getting out of Lakeland should help things!  So will going out drinking with my Alabama girls! :)  I can't wait!!!  I so need it!!!!

Do not try this at home kids!

     "Whenever we were little girls and our mama's read us fairytales after they said and they lived happily ever after they should have said ps. do not try this at home as this is a lie." Stolen from J.M. :) Thanks for giving me inspiration today!

     I so think fairytales should come with warning labels stating that they will never happen to the average everyday person. Happily ever afters don't exist today. All the knights in shining armor are just retards in tinfoil, or at least in my experience they are.  Which is a very sad thing to have to realize at this point in my life.

     I thought I had the happily ever after, but then realized it was all a lie and that prince charming was actually a wolf in sheep's clothing if you will.

     Then I thought I had found a true knight in shining armor to save me, but I've come to the conclusion that I was wrong again.  I was so happy with life, with myself.  Then things just fell apart on his end.  I tried my best to be there, but he wouldn't let me in.  Too many things being left unsaid.  Too many secrets.  Too much shutting me out!  You can't build a successful relationship with those issues in the equation.  I just wish I had some form of closure so that I can move on with my single existence.  I thought maybe I would hear something today, especially since he was at the doctor's office this morning per Facebook  I'm assuming that today was for the labs that he needs for his wrist surgery on Friday, but I don't know!  About to the point of not caring, but its hard.

     So ladies if you're trapped in the tower, chop off your hair, form a rope, and save your own ass because no man will!